


Like Chasing Shadows

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Markjin, Pining, Unrequited Love, broken jj project
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-18 16:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4712696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Mark first thought about maybe having fallen for his best friend, he thought of it like it was a fall from the bed at best.<br/>A little accident, which was irritating, but not groundbreaking.<br/>No big deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. O N E

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains a bit of angst!  
> Trigger Warnings include: alcohol, light drugs, an unhealthy relationship and dubious consent. Also minor mental health issues.  
> You have been warned. 
> 
> I'm also exptremely sorry for making Jaebum the bad guy, I swear I love that boy to bits, this is just fiction :P 
> 
> Okay, have fun reading!! <3

O N E

Mark was deep in thoughts while washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen table.  
The flat he shared with three other guys was a mess and it was his turn to change that. He hated doing chores but it couldn't be helped. He had managed to find excuses for too long and he was being way too obvious about it, so it was only a matter of time that the others noticed that he barely ever helped in the household. So now he had to do everything alone and there was nobody left he could impose it on.  
Mark knew he had no right to complain and he knew that this wasn't his best side.  
Participating, taking part in activities, helping to keep the flat clean, all that stuff.  
But he had other fortes, he told himself. He was always there when one of the guys -mostly Jinyoung- had relationship problems or when the younger boys Bambam and Yugyeom needed help with their school work or anything like that, even though he was the only one of them who already left school and was working now.

He worked in a supermarket near the flat.  
It wasn't a very interesting job, he just had to kill some time and make some money until he was good enough to do what he actually wanted.  
Dancing, that was.  
He went to dance practise twice a week, once alone and once with Jinyoung. He also had the chance to practise alone, whenever he wanted, because one of the reasons he chose to move into this flat was the amazing roof of the house, which offered a lot of space and a good ground to practise, whenever he felt like it. He usually took his music station with him and danced, when the evening was turning to night.  
But he still felt like he wasn't good enough yet.  
And that was, what he was thinking about non stop while doing the dishes, until he got abruptly torn out of his own little world by a loud ringing noise.  
He quickly dried his hands on his jeans and searched for the phone.  
Who could that be?  
All of the boys were in school and nobody else really used this number.  
When he looked at the display he was even more confused.

“Jinyoung?” he asked, ready to scold him for not being in class, but he didn't find time to form words, because the voice on the other end of the phone started speaking.  
  
“M...mark?” a thin and shaky voice asked “can you pick m...me up please?”  
  
“Are you okay?” Marks voice got soft and worried  “What's wrong, where are you?” he couldn't help but ask everything at once, which made the other one gulp back a sob.  
  
“I...I'm in the park near college...” Jinyoung said slowly, trying to control his voice.  
  
“Jaebum just left and now I'm alone and I don't know what to do...”  
Mark clenched his fist at the name. He should have known it.  
  
“Just stay where you are, I'll be there in twenty minutes!” he said, “I...I can stay on the phone if you want...” he added, but Jinyoung declined and started crying for real now.  
“Then... then I'll leave now, okay?”  
Mark didn't know what else to say.

He grabbed a jacket and his bag and went out of the door, nearly running over one of their elderly neighbours. He mumbled a quick “sorry” and hurried through the door.  
Again he was too deep in thoughts to notice any of his surroundings.  
Mark was a pro at switching off the world until he was completely alone in his mind.  
  
It could be of good use, for example back in school- he was great at exams and concentrating on school work. But it could be quite dangerous, too, because when he was walking the streets, he didn't focus as much on the traffic as it would be good for his safety, so his list of former near crash experiences was long.  
It could also get pretty lonely in his own mind, because he had difficulties letting other people in.  
  
But now all he could think of was Jinyoung and the emotional state he was in.  
Mark had helped him through many of his relationship problems before, but never had his friend sounded this lost. He wondered what happened.  
He wondered what this jerk did to him this time.  
Anger built up inside him, but he swallowed it down, because this was not what his best friend needed right now.  
  
Mark started getting a little bit nervous during the bus ride. His idea of supporting a friend was listening and maybe giving one or two hugs, but he felt like that wouldn't be enough this time. He wasn't that good with actual advice.  
As he sat there, he couldn't help but think of Jinyoung sitting in the park, crying by himself. Should he call him again? After looking at his phone for at least two minutes he dialled his number.  
He waited and waited but only the mailbox responded and Mark regretted calling at all.  
Now he was even more worried.  
_Please be okay_ , he thought.

When the bus finally reached the end station he jumped out before all the others and rushed the short way that remained to the park.  
His best friend was exactly where he had assumed him to be.  
Next to the swings on the little playground in the park.  
It was his favourite place and Mark would've smiled if the sight that presented itself to him wasn't that heartbreaking.  
Jinyoung sat on the ground, leaning on the swings beam, his head buried in his hands, as massive sobs shook through his chest.  
Mark breathed in deeply, before he approached him.

“Hey....” He said as softly and comforting as possible, but Jinyoung still startled. Mark watched him furiously dry his eyes with his sleeves while looking up at him embarrassed.  
“Can I sit down?” Mark asked and Jinyoung just nodded.  
  
He sat down beside him and laid a hand on his knee. He supposed it was best not to force him to talk and it appeared he was right.  
Jinyoung gratefully leaned in to him and placed his head on his shoulder, while more tears found their way out of his eyes.  
They sat there for a few minutes, without saying a word.

Mark watched children run around on the playground and thought that it was really out of place. How disrespectful the world could be, to just move on like usually, while his best friend was breaking down!  
His thumb was stroking Jinyoung's knee unconsciously and Mark was really surprised when the boy said out of nowhere:  
“We broke up."  
  
Then he started sobbing again and Mark couldn't manage to say anything comforting, because honestly, was there anything you could say to make a break up feel better?!  
He just put his arms around him and let him bury his head on his chest. He could feel tears dampening his t-shirt but he couldn't care less about it. It hurt him too see his best friend like this.  
It wasn't anything like Jinyoung to burst out in tears in front of others. Mark knew how hard this must've been for him and he felt honoured that he trusted him enough to seek his help.  
  
“Can you believe it?” the boy mumbled into his chest “It's actually over...”  
More crying.  
Mark knew that it was a rhetorical question, but he felt like it was time to say something.  
Anything.  
Just to show that he was really here, not only his body, but his mind as well.  
  
“I'm sorry Jin...” he brought out and loosened his grip on his friend to look at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”  
Jinyoung wiped his tears away for the second time and shrugged his shoulders.  
  
“I don't know... it just hurts, y'know...I knew it was gonna happen, but it still hurts..” his voice broke at the end of the sentence and Mark just nodded.

It would've been a lie if he said he understood, because he was pretty sure he didn't. Mark had had girlfriends before, but -and that was nothing he was proud of -he was never invested enough to actually mourn the end of a relationship. And he knew that his ex girlfriends felt the same. He was sure they got over it quite well too, because there just weren't many feelings involved. He could never break a girl's heart, not because he was so noble, he just didn't feel like anyone could ever be heartbroken over someone like him. He'd never be worth that kind of pain. In that way he somehow envied Jaebum.  
Because there had to be something about him that made people mourn the loss of a relationship with him. Mark hated the fact that it was his best friend that had to suffer, but he couldn't help but be envious of the ability to make someone feel this strongly. Mark wished he had that effect on anyone, but he knew better.

“And we just kinda agreed on it, too... it was horrible. Like we both knew this wasn't going anywhere...” Jinyoung started ranting out of nowhere.  
Mark decided to get his thoughts into the conversation.  
  
“But isn't that better than one of you making the decision and the other one suffering even more?” he said.  
“I guess...” Jinyoung sighed and tried to smile, but it really wasn't working. “But I already miss him so much.” he added, before burying his face in Mark's chest again.  
  
Mark didn't know why, but his words made him feel weird.  
Sad.  
Somehow like he was a ghost that would always just be watching. He felt a lump in his throat and he couldn't quite grasp where it was coming from. Of course it was upsetting to see his friend like this, but he was affected more than he would ever admit. Mark had been there through the ups and downs of their relationship for nearly a year and he wasn't the biggest supporter either.  
  
He had watched them meeting, getting to know each other, he had given his best friend advice for the first few dates and he remembered how disgusting it was to see his usually calm and collected friend be head over heels into this guy. He had angrily watched as Jinyoung had forgiven Jaebum for fooling around with some girl at a party and he had cheered him up all the times when his boyfriend had forgotten that they were supposed to meet.  
It would be an understatement to say that Mark had been hoping for a breakup, but he always told himself that this was none of his business.  
  
Like always, he just listened to his best friend, whenever that one needed him.  
He had done what he could...what he thought was right. So why wasn't he happy about the breakup now? Was it because it was so obvious that Jinyoung wasn't happy? Or because it felt like it wouldn't change anything about Jinyoung's feelings for this guy?  
But why did it matter?  
There were many things Mark wanted to say, but he had perfected his ways of talking when, and only when he knew exactly what effect his words had on his opposite.  
_You'll get over it._  
_He isn't that great._  
_You're better off without him._  
These were the words that laid on his tongue, but he knew better than to hurt his friend by saying them out loud.  
So they just stayed another thirty minutes like that. Now and then Jinyoung started talking and Mark listened. Then he usually started crying again and Mark hugged him when he was out of words.  
They repeated this routine, until Jinyoung was too tired and worn out to keep crying and they decided to go home.

In the bus Jinyoung fell asleep on Mark's shoulder and Mark let him.  
He tried his best to stay still, because he didn't want to wake him up. Instead he listened to his steady peaceful breathing and tried to ignore the looks the other passengers were giving them.


	2. T W O

T W O

The next day wasn't much better.  
They were sat at home on the couch watching some splatter movie with the others, but nobody was really paying attention. Yugyeom and Bambam had ordered take out, because Mark was taking care of Jinyoung and therefore he couldn't cook.  
The boys were eating silently, but after ten minutes Jinyoung still hadn't touched his food.  
  
“C'mon... you gotta eat something...” Mark tried, but his friend just shook his head.  
Mark looked back at the screen in frustration. One of the main characters just got killed by a zombie and he wouldn't have thought it was possible for the mood in the room to drop even lower, but it did.  
“C'mon Jinyoungie, open your mouth...” he said jokingly and he waved the chopsticks through the air and added “here comes the airplaaaane...”  
But Jinyoung wasn't in the mood to join in on the joke.  
  
“Leave it...” he just said quietly and only a second after that he stood up and left the room  
without another word. Mark leaned back into the sofa and sighed.  
He felt like shit.  
  
“I didn't mean to...” he started talking, closing his eyes and Yugyeom sat down beside him, finally having a spot on the couch instead of just the armrest and he said,  
  
“You did nothing wrong, but you can't take this from him... it's 'gonna take some time, hyung.”  
Bambam nodded in agreement, while stuffing a whole load of noodles into his mouth.

“I know... but don't you find it shitty to see him like this?” Mark ranted.  
  
“Sure we do...I didn't know he could cry this much...” BamBam admitted. “But you're closer to him than us and you've been babysitting their relationship for months now...”  
  
“I'm not babysitting....” Mark wanted to defend himself, but Yugyeom was faster.  
  
“What he means is, you've done enough, hyung, you can't take his pain away right now!”  
  
That's when Mark didn't know what to say any more.  
He wasn't used to someone recognizing his silent listening and caring.  
Instead of saying anything, he ruffled them both through the hair, while standing up and then he went into his room.  
They were right.  
This wasn't his pain after all and Jinyoung would make it through this in time.  
But what he told himself didn't match with the lump in his throat that made it hard to breathe when he thought of Jinyoung shutting himself away, crying over this asshat.

They barely got to see Jinyoung the next few days, he spent most of his time in his room.  
He wasn't crying that much any more, but his silence and absence was just as scary to watch.  
He did go to college though, but according to the boys it wouldn't have made a big difference if he'd stayed at home.  
Mark could only imagine it.  
Him sitting in class, not caring about anything, maybe even going to the bathroom when he felt like crying.  
  
Mark found himself thinking about that while he put groceries into the shelves at the supermarket.  
It was okay, because the work was monotone and didn't require much thinking. It would have been different at the register.  
Friday evening, after quitting time, Mark broke his resolution to not intervene that much in Jinyoung's misery and prepared him a nicely arranged dessert out of ice cream and fruits.  
_Let's see if he can resist that masterpiece_ , he thought to himself.  
He knocked at his door shyly, suddenly not so sure about this any more.  
What if he was in a bad mood?

“Can I come in?” he added and got a mumbled “sure” as an answer, so he opened the door.  
He found Jinyoung lying on his bed, looking through photos on his phone.  
Mark sat down on the bed beside him.

“I though you might be in need of an extra large ice cream fruit bomb?” he said carefully and sighed out relieved, when Jinyoung actually smiled at him.  
  
“You know me too well...” he said, while sitting up “thanks bro!”  
Mark couldn't help but take a look at the phone laying between them. He wasn't surprised when he saw pictures of Jaebum on the screen.  
  
“Don't judge me...” Jinyoung said with a mouth full of spray cream. He must have seen the disapproving look on Mark's face.  
  
“I'm not judging you...” Mark said quickly.  
  
“But you can't stand him, I know...” Jinyoung said with a resigned voice.  
  
“I never said I can't stand him!” Mark replied. He didn't like the direction their conversation was taking.  
It felt like his best friend could be hurt again any moment and Mark didn't want that.

“You didn't have to say anything, it was obvious.” that one said, trying to smile, but sounding way too serious about it.  
“You always found excuses to not be here when he was and the rare times you met you didn't talk to him at all...like, even less then to others.” Jinyoung stated.

He sounded both amused and a bit annoyed. Mark felt it was safe to speak his mind. Jinyoung seemed to be in a better mood than the last days.  
  
“So what if I didn't... I never bothered him.” he said.  
  
“Sure... it's not like it matters now if you liked him. I just wondered why?” Jinyoung asked curiously “He was never rude to you, he didn't even have the chance...so why?”  
  
Mark swallowed and breathed in longer than necessary.  
“I don't know... there's just people you don't like I guess... And I didn't like the way he treated you I guess...” he said truthfully.  
  
“But how did he treat me?” Jinyoung wanted to know. He had stopped eating and was now looking at Mark expectantly.  
Mark was nervous and if you'd asked him he couldn't have told you why.

But his heart was racing and he heard himself say, “I don't know... He just didn't treat you good enough. He never appreciated how lucky he was with you...”

He couldn't believe these words had just come out of his mouth like that. It sounded so wrong but at the same time it was the truest thing he's ever told. He didn't know why he felt so weird.  
So vulnerable.  
Jinyoung looked at him for a moment and Mark seriously feared he might hear his heart pounding against his chest.  
  
“Aww hyung, you're being cheesy...” he said, while smiling a smile that actually reached his eyes for a change. He shoved him away from himself, as if to say “if you're being any cuter I might vomit” and then he went back to eating his ice cream.  
Mark was relieved and somehow disappointed at the same time. He didn't know what was wrong with his emotions that day. Nothing made sense and he shrugged it off for the moment. It'd been a stressful week at work and in the flat and he was completely out of it.  
He looked forward to when he could go to dance practise the next day with Jinyoung.  
It was the only activity that always cleared his mind and body.

But when he lay in bed that evening there was no thinking of sleep. He was tired and eager to get some rest, but his mind was on full speed.  
He tossed and turned in his sheets and he couldn't stop thinking of what he'd said to his best friend.  
Why had he been so nervous?  
It was only the truth he'd been telling and wasn't it a normal thing to want only good for your best friend?  
Mark didn't know what this was all about, but it didn't let him sleep, therefore it had to be brought out of the way.  
Maybe it was because Jinyoung was gay. Mark actually thought about that for a moment.  
  
But it had been two years since Jinyoung came out to him and even though things had been a bit different in the beginning, they went back to normal just as fast.  
But he remembered the first few weeks after that- they didn't live together at that time- he was worried about every single thing he did and how Jinyoung might see him.  
It had something homophobic if Mark was honest about it now.  
He was kinda scared of this new information about his friend, but then again, he got used to it after a while and hadn't been worrying about it since.  
So why now?  
Of course it was kinda harsh telling him that his ex hadn't been good enough to him, but Mark didn't feel like that was the point. He didn't feel guilty nervous, but vulnerable nervous.  
  
He thought about what he said once more...  
“He never appreciated how lucky he was with you...” and he startled when his mind automatically added “...like I would.”  
-

 

Mark hadn't found much sleep that night, he was too busy trying to think about anything but his awkward words to Jinyoung.  
But even as soon as he was awake and clear, his mind trailed back to it whenever it had the space to do so.  
His solution was to keep himself busy with everything he could find, so his mind would have no space or time to make up confusing thoughts.  
He started the day with making breakfast for everyone, which was as rare as a four-leaved clover. The others didn't quite trust their eyes, when they saw that the table was set.  
Yugyeom laughed, when they started eating.  
  
“The last time Mark-hyung made breakfast was when he broke the stereo, do you guys remember?” the others joined in on the laughter and Mark blushed a little bit.  
Happily he noticed that even Jinyoung couldn't hold back a chuckle.  
  
“He felt so guilty!” Bambam added and then suddenly got serious: “Wait, did you break something again?”  
  
“No, I didn't... I just wanted to be nice!” Mark pouted.  
  
“Thank you hyung! But you're still doing the dishes afterwards.” Yugyeom added.  
  
“Sure...” Mark sighed.  
  


While the others were laying on the couch lazily, Mark cleaned the kitchen and asked across the room: “You're coming to dance today, right Jin?”  
  
“I don't know... I'm not really in the mood right now.” he mumbled.  
  
“That's not an excuse!” Mark sang out of the kitchen and he got flipped off as an answer.  
  
“What if he's there....” Jinyoung whined “I really don't want to see him already...”  
  
Mark felt his mood drop a little, but he tried not to show it.  
  
“Well, you don't have to talk to him... and he's skipping more often than not anyway!”  
  
It was true.  
Jaebum barely ever appeared at dance practise, but when he did he danced amazing and powerful and Mark hated him for that.

It was Mark, who had been dancing in this studio the longest and at some point JB started out there too, but in a different group, so Mark didn't care that much about the new one.  
But he cursed the day when Jinyoung picked him up from dance, like he often did and saw Jaebum, because that's how it all started. Then his best friend even joined the studio, in hopes of getting closer to Jaebum.  
Well it worked... until now.  
  
“You're not ducking out of dance just because of him, are you?” Yugyeom asked with judgement in his voice.  
  
“I'm not! I like dancing, I just don't want to see him.”  
  
“I'm gonna shield you from him.” Mark said.  
  
“Thanks...”  


When they were there the doubts were nearly forgotten again. Mark was back to his good mood and couldn't wait to let out some energy and Jinyoung seemed to be excited as well.  
It was good to see the others and it was good to stand in front of the large mirror in the studio again.  
They both gave their all and against Mark's expectations Jinyoung's dance was more energetic than ever and at one part, where Jinyoung had to push Mark down by his shoulder, Mark was surprised at the power behind his move. He felt his heart race in his chest, while he nearly stumbled beneath the push, but didn't respond to the feeling. He had to concentrate on the choreography.  
  
He found himself looking at Jinyoung through the mirror more than at himself, which caused him to make a bunch of stupid little mistakes, that mostly went unnoticed by the others.  
But Mark noticed and he didn't like it.  
_Concentrate, you idiot!_ he told himself.  
And for some reason he felt the need to show how good he was at what he's doing.

When the hour was over, they were all covered in sweat as if they'd bathed in it. Mark's hair was sticking to his forehead and Jinyoung was in the same state.  
They were panting hardly and barely able to form words, but Mark managed to tell his friend: “Good job, Jinyoung!”.

Mark usually showered at home, because he didn't like sharing the shower with the other dancers, but Jinyoung took his time there, so Mark just sat in the hallway on the carpeted floor, waiting for the other to finish, ready to leave.

He was listening to music, deeply lost in his thoughts, when suddenly one of his headphones got ripped out mercilessly.  
When he looked up, over him stood Im Jaebum, being barely more than a dark shadow from that angle.  
The expression on his face was anything but friendly and Mark felt like he was being confused with someone else for a moment, but by the power of his stare he quickly understood that he meant exactly him.  
Mark slowly stood up, feeling insecure and humiliated looking up to him.  
Before he could get out words of greeting, Jaebum hissed,  
“Is Jinyoung with you?”  
  
“Yeah, he's in the showers....why?” Mark explained, already on the alert.  
  
“That's none of your business!” Jaebum grunted.  
  
“Well yes it is, because I'm his best friend...” Mark felt pathetic as he said it.  
  
“Oh wow, well I'm his boyfriend and just because you've been after him for ages doesn't mean this concerns you.”

Mark felt the blood stream into his head now and the anger roll through his whole body.  
  
“What the fuck are you even talking about?” he brought out, trying to keep his voice down, but Jaebum just smiled at him with pity.  
  
“I've seen your jealous little death stares at me, but I don't give a shit if you like me or not!” he said as he walked in the direction of the changing room, apparently really not caring much about Mark.  
But Mark wouldn't let him.  
Not this time.  
  
“You're not going in there!” Mark growled.   
He didn't know he even had this voice in him, but it came up from deep inside his throat and it seemed to take over his body, too, because he found himself standing in front of Jaebum, blocking the way to the changing room.  
  
“Are you really trying to stop me?” he asked, half amused, half annoyed. “You're such a handful.”  
  
“Just piss off already, you've done enough damage.” Mark huffed and he still had to control his voice.  
  
“You think you can use him as your toy and come back as often as you want, but this time I won't let you.” He didn't know where his sudden confidence came from, he just knew that he did not let Jaebum talk to Jinyoung right now.  
Not after all he'd done.  
It would just pull his best friend back down into his sadness.  
  
“Why are you always belittling him?” Jaebum asked “He's old enough to make his own decisions... am I right, babe?” he added, looking directly behind him. Mark turned around in shock and saw Jinyoung standing there looking at them, his hair still wet and his bag over his shoulder.  
It was obvious that he was waiting for an explanation on the situation, but Mark was too busy wondering how much he'd heard.  
  
It felt like a punch in the face when Jinyoung faced Jaebum and said, “Yes...it's okay Mark, I can handle myself.”  
It took all of Mark's self control to act like he didn't care as much as he did.  
He just brought out “Fine.” and turned around on the spot, leaving them both behind.  
  
A small part of him wished that maybe, just maybe his best friend would follow him, but he knew better.

Jaebum was right.  
He was just the best friend and he would never be that important. Mark didn't realize how much he wanted exactly that.  
Being as important to Jinyoung as he was to him.  
  
He drove home alone and as soon as he closed the flat door behind him, he stomped into his room and didn't bother answering the younger ones' greetings.  
His heart was racing and the lump in his throat was bigger than ever.  
He sat down on his bed and it took all his strength to calm down. When he did, he just felt sad again.  
Why did this bother him so much?  
Jinyoung could get lost!  
If he wanted to jump back into this stupid unhealthy game of theirs, then so be it.  
It's not like he hadn't tried...  
  
Then why did he need to fight back tears, while sitting on his bed alone?  
Why did it bother him so much, no matter how often he tried to stay out of it?  
Why did he feel the need to protect Jinyoung so much, even though the danger probably wasn't that huge?  
He was probably just overreacting again.  
  
So he let the things JB said run through his head again and it was painful to think about, but what if he was right about the jealousy?  
Because when he thought about it logically, there was no reason to hate Jaebum, other than him being Jinyoung's boyfriend. Mark hated him before Jinyoung even introduced them officially.  
It was only supporting his hate that Jaebum wasn't exactly the dream boyfriend.  
When did Mark become so possessive over his best friend?  
Now the first tear escaped from the corner of his eye and Mark could have slapped himself for how pathetic he felt.

His thoughts got interrupted by a loud knock on the door. For some reason he knew who it was, before the door opened.  
Yugyeom had a very signature knock.  
  
“Can I come in?” he asked and Mark nodded. He hated that the younger saw him like this.  
  
“What happened?” the boy wanted to know “Where's Junior?”  
  
“He's still at the studio I guess... with Jb.” He rolled his eyes, trying his best to shake it off like it was nothing, but that didn't hide his glassy eyes and his knuckles, that had turned white from balling his fist so hard.  
  
“Oh god, don't tell me he's taking him back after all?” Yugyeom sighed and Mark was glad that he wasn't the only one struggling with the thought.  
  
“I don't know... fuck, I hate this guy so much... He started a fight with me in the studio while Jin was in the showers and I swear I nearly punched him...” he babbled quietly.  
  
He lifted his head up when he didn't get an answer and looked right into big eyes.  
  
“You can be so scary, when you talk about him, hyung!” Yugyeom said honestly.  
  
“Jinyoung told me once not to let you two alone because you might kill each other...” he continued.

“He told you that?” Mark asked surprised.  
Was he the only one that didn't realize how involved he was. He felt like an idiot, because everybody seemed to know more about him than himself.  
“Yugyeom...” Mark started and he hated asking for advice, but he knew he'd go crazy thinking about it by himself “Would you say I act like I'm jealous?”  
  
He felt his cheeks getting warm and knew that he was probably blushing, but he couldn't help it. It was so embarrassing to talk about this, especially with someone who's four years younger than yourself.  
  
“Can I be honest without you punishing me later?” Yugyeom carefully asked and Mark just rolled his eyes, but nodded.  
“I think jealous would be an understatement...”  
  
Mark felt the lump in his throat again and it made it difficult to speak without his voice breaking.  
  
“Don't you ever get jealous, when Bambam is with others...he's your best friend, right?” he wanted to know.  
  
“Yeah he is and sure I get jealous, but more in a 'hey spend time with me too'-way and not so much in a 'I wanna kill the guy who dates him'-way... you know what I mean?” Yugyeom seemed to fear that he crossed a line, but Mark just let his head fall into his hands...all of his energy and anger left his body at once and he just felt defeated.  
  
“What are you trying to say?” he mumbled into his hands quietly.  
  
“I'm just saying that from the outside it looks like you really care about Jinyoung and that it makes you suffer...” he concluded.  
They were quiet for a while.  
Mark thought about Yugyeom's words and he couldn't help but believe him. He simply did not have the energy to deny it in that moment.  
  
“Maybe you're right... “


	3. T H R E E

T H R E E

It was late in the evening when Jinyoung came home and Mark and the boys were sitting on the couch, watching some bad sitcom on television. Mark was too tired to really pay attention, but he tensed up when he heard a key open the door. He even sat up a little bit, he couldn't explain why.  
He felt Yugyeom's glance on him, but chose to ignore it.  
It took him a lot of effort not to make a sassy comment on why Jinyoung was so late and instead he tried to act like he didn't give a flying fuck.  
But it wasn't that easy, because while Jinyoung tried to escape into his room without an explanation, Bambam stopped him. “Are you okay, hyung? You look terrible!”  
  
At that point Marks' head turned around before he could think about it and the expression on Jinyoung's face made his chest hurt.  
He looked broken.  
There were dried tear stains on his skin and his hair was a mess, he looked like he'd been up for four days straight. Mark forgot about his not-giving-a-flying-fuck-plan for the moment.  
  
“Where you with JB until now?” he asked, trying to sound comforting rather than judging.  
Jinyoung just shook his head no and a painful expression built over his face, like he was about to cry if he opened his mouth.  
  
“Where were you then?” Mark continued.  
  
“I may have been drinking one or two...” Jinyoung admitted.  
  
When nobody responded, he started walking towards his room, but then Yugyeom suddenly asked, “What happened to your arm?”  
Mark hadn't noticed yet, but around Jinyoung's wrist was a red-turning-purple bruise that hadn't been there during dance earlier that day.  
Mark felt like he might get sick right there and then. His stomach acted up as if he'd eaten something wrong.  
His facial expression was now similar to Jinyoung's.  
Just as pained.

“That bastard.” He spit out. He stood up, not sure why, but he couldn't just sit there.  
  
“No...it looks worse than it is...I'm fine!” Jinyoung brought out.  
But Mark didn't take any of this.  
  
“What happened? What did he do this time?” He didn't try to hold back the anger in his voice as he looked directly at Jinyoung.  
  
“We talked and he got kinda heated up...he wanted me back, but I said no....and he just grabbed me a bit hard when I wanted to go... I still went though...” a few tears were rolling over his face while he tried to tell everything as calmly as possible.  
  
“I'm going to sleep now...” he added and then went straight into his room.

Mark let himself fall back into the couch again.  
This was too much.  
He looked at the others in confusion and the first to break the silence was Bambam. “It's a good thing though... he stayed strong.”  
  
But Mark saw things differently.  
“And what about the bruise on his wrist? That's not a very good thing to me... I shouldn't have let him alone with this bastard.”  
_I only just thought about myself_ , he thought.  
  
“It's not your fault!” Yugyeom said quickly. “Junior is an adult and he can make decisions...”  
  
“Yeah, that's what JB told me, too...” Mark grumbled and Yugyeom looked like he wished he'd never said anything.  
  
They didn't talk much after that, everyone just pretended to watch the movie.  
After the other two had gone to bed, Mark was still awake, avoiding to go to his room, where he usually felt even more alone and where his mind usually decided to confront him with all the thoughts he had avoided the whole day long.  
So he let the dumb tv programme shit into his head instead, so his brain had something to do.  
He was nearly asleep on the couch, when he heard a door open and footsteps coming closer. He could tell it was Jinyoung just by the way he carefully walked over the parquet, making sure not to wake up the others.  
Mark sat up again, pulling the fleece blanket up from the floor and onto his lap.  
He looked up and saw that Jinyoung was smiling softly.  
  
“Can I join you? I can't sleep...” he said, keeping his voice quiet.  
Mark just made space for him to sit down and waited for him to start a conversation, the movie in the background was doing its own thing, volume so low, they could barely understand a word.  
Not that they wanted to.  
  
“I'm not going back to him...” Jinyoung said out of nowhere and Mark just looked at him unsure.  
  
“Okay... but why are you telling me this?” he wondered.  
  
“Because I know you care...” Jinyoung smiled down at his hands “You always care.”  
Mark didn't know what to answer, so he just stayed silent.  
  
“And I wanted to say thank you...” his best friend continued. “...for trying to keep him away at the studio.” he explained.  
  
“Well, didn't quite work now, did it?” Mark said sarcastically, his eyes wandering to the other one's wrist and Jinyoung just sighed out a weak laughter.  
  
“Nah, if Jaebum wants something, he has his ways...” he said bitterly.  
  
“Then how are you so sure you're not going back to him?” Mark provoked him.  
  
“I'm not sure... I wish I was, but I'm not.” Jinyoung said honestly and Mark just snorted.  
  
“Why do you care so much, hyung? Bambam and Yugyeom don't seem to care much and I get that people have their own stuff to worry about, so why do you always care?” Jinyoung sounded nearly frustrated, asking this question, as if he had been trying to find an answer to this riddle for a long time.  
  
“You always told me that he wasn't good enough for me and now I think you might have been right about that, but why... why would you make the effort?”  
  
Mark was overwhelmed with all these questions and he said the only thing that came into his mind, “I've been trying to figure out the same thing. But I have no idea.”  
His voice was nearly too quiet to be heard, but Jinyoung managed to any way. At least if the slight chuckle besides him was anything to go by.  
  
“Do...do you love him?” Mark heard himself ask and he was shocked at how insecure and shaky his voice sounded.  
This was not planned.  
  
“I don't know...” his friend's voice whispered back.  
The room was dark and the only light source was the moving pictures on the screen, to which none of them paid attention. Mark looked at the boy, that was now leaning on his shoulder. Jinyoung still looked tired and worn out, still broken, but also like a warrior, who just came back from the battlefield. The lights from the tv played around on his skin and mirrored in his eyes and Mark couldn't help but stare a little.  
  
Then he said, “I'm proud of you for walking away again.”  
Jinyoung looked up at him in confusion and he had to support himself on one arm to do so.  
  
“I mean” Mark explained quietly “I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to walk away again, especially when you love him...”  
He knew his cheeks were getting red again, going by the warmth that spread through them, but he just hoped it was too dark for the other one to see it.  
Worrying about that he nearly missed how Jinyoung looked him in the eyes with an undefinable expression and before Mark knew what was happening, Jinyoung leaned in to bring their faces close together.  
And then he kissed him.  
Just like that.  
Softly and restrained. Shy and still insistently.  
Mark felt Jinyoung's fingers under his chin and the whole action sent shivers through his body and his heart was beating so fast, he feared it might jump right out of his chest. The thing that had his whole attention was the tingling feeling in his stomach, as his best friend's lips slightly played with his own. It took him all of his strength to pull away, because... what was he doing?  
He cocked his head away and had his eyes wide open, as he felt the confusion take over his body. His hands were even shaking a bit.  
He looked at Jinyoung, who still had his eyes closed, lingering at the space where Mark's head had been until a second ago and a pained expression spread over his face.  
  
Before Mark could even think of words to say, Jinyoung breathed out, “I am so sorry, please don't hate me!”  
He opened his eyes and they showed fear and regret more than anything else.  
  
“I didn't want to do this, I'm just so confused and hurt right now, I'm sorry.”  
Mark watched as his best friend pressed the back of his hand against his mouth to stop him from seeing his facial expression. But that didn't prevent him from seeing the tears that formed in his eyes again.  
  
“Hey... It's okay... It's nothing...." Mark comforted him, while his own heart was still rebelling in his chest "C'mere...” Without thinking he pulled Jinyoung into a warm hug. They stayed like that for a moment, until Jinyoung said “Let's go to sleep, before I completely ruin our friendship!” he tried to laugh it off, but it was more of a desperate whisper than anything else.  
And that's what they did.  
They went to bed, each in their own room. But Mark did not fall asleep until hours later, because he couldn't stop thinking about what just happened.  
He felt like crying, too.

-

The next few days Mark was back to his own way of scheduling his thoughts away, so he was more productive than ever and actually paid back his house-hold-participating-debt, because he basically did every single thing that had to be done and he didn't care about how much it sucked, because it was a lot better than having to think for only a moment. He wouldn't admit it, but it was obvious to everyone else that he was avoiding Jinyoung.  
Not rudely, but still.  
He planned his days around him and found excuses not to spent too much time in the flat with him. He didn't really do it consciously though.  
Neither of them mentioned the kiss at all, so Mark really tried to just deny that it happened, so he wouldn't have to think about it, but that turned out not to be that easy.  
The worst part was the nights, when there was nothing to do but to lie in the dark. He already had a hard time falling asleep lately and this incident didn't make it easier. As much as he avoided thinking at daytime, it came right back at him at night, when he found himself reliving the kiss over and over.  
  
Why had he been so nervous? Why had it felt so warm and nice and peaceful?  
Why had his hands been shaking, even after he'd sat alone in his room?  
Why did he wonder what would've happened if he hadn't pulled back?

Deep down he knew why, but his mind just wouldn't let him think it.  
And he was so confused.

The one thing he knew was, that he couldn't avoid his best friend forever. They lived together after all. This was not working, but he had no idea how to get rid of his embarrassment and confusion.

As if Bambam and Yugyeom had heard his thoughts, they came home from school when he was sitting at the kitchen table, having one of his daily crisis'.  
It wasn't a workday for him, but he nearly wished it was one, because then he had less time to think about everything.  
  
“What's wrong, hyung?” Bambam hummed sweetly, while dancing in his direction. Yugyeom chuckled behind him.  
  
“I'm moving out...” Mark whined into his own sweatshirt, that he abused as a pillow, making sure they knew it wasn't serious. They'd probably both start crying and he didn't have nerves for that right now.  
  
“Don't say stuff like that.” Yugyeom said anyway “It's bad luck, okay?”  
Mark just rolled his eyes and groaned dramatically.  
  
“What is my life...” he sighed, more to himself than to them.  
  
The boys ignored his whining and Bambam asked again, “What happened?”  
  
“I need advice based on your massive life experience...” Mark said dryly.  
The boys just grinned at each other. They loved having power and Mark wasn't happy about handing it over to them.  
“We always like to help out those who are in need for wise words.” Bambam said formally and they both sat down opposite from Mark.  
Now he felt like he was in therapy or something.  
  
“Okay so... I have this friend who was bothering me all week with his love life....” he lied and wasn't too sure if they bought it or not, but his level of suffering was too big to bother about his pride any longer.  
“And his problem is that his best friend of years kissed him out of nowhere and I have no idea what to tell him. He kinda can't stop talking about it...” He shrugged it off like it was annoying more than anything else.  
Bambam and Yugyeom looked at each other and at that point Mark was pretty sure they knew this wasn't about some friend of his.  
But at least he tried.  
  
“He kissed him? Actually kissed him? On the lips??” Bambam asked with big eyes and gestures.  
Yugyeom looked at him amused.  
  
“Aren't you a bit too excited for my friend, whom you don't know?” Mark asked stressingly, but he felt his whole face burning from embarrassment. This was so pathetic, but it somehow made things easier for him. He just hoped they'd play along.  
  
“Did your friend tell you how it felt?” Yugyeom asked, trying not to grin.  
  
“Yah... “ Mark buried his face deeper in his sweater and put his arms over his head. He wanted to become one with the sweater. Start a new life in the fashion business, as a part of clothing.  
  
“He said it was okay...” he mumbled through his clenched teeth, but the boys seemed to understand.  
  
He could basically feel the looks they were giving each other at the moment.  
  
“Mhh...maybe he likes his best friend a bit more...and y'know... you should tell him to chill out a bit, I guess...” Yugyeom said and Bambam agreed.  
For the first time during the conversation, Mark looked up and into two smiling faces. He loved them so much, but it was still incredibly awkward and he couldn't help but feel like it should be the other way around.  
Him teaching them life lessons.  
  
“So when is this friend's best friend coming home today?” Bambam grinned and Mark punished him with a long stare that could've been really scary, if his face wasn't completely red by now.  
  
He gave up and just asked back, “Wasn't he with you after college?”  
Mark ignored the quick screeching and the high five when he confirmed their assumption that this talk was all about their flatmate and he waited impatiently for an answer.  
  
“Nope, he said he was meeting someone after school...” Yugyeom told him and Mark let his head fall back on his arms.  
  
“I swear to god if he's with Jaebum right now I'm 'gonna loose my cool...”  
  
“What cool, hyung?" Bambam laughed "You're red like a tomato!”  
  
“CAN YOU NOT AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU RESPECT ME?” Mark shouted into his sweater in frustration and the answer he got was loud laughter from both of them.  
When they were done laughing at his life, Yugyeom tried to get back to the topic Mark had hoped they were finished with.  
  
“So, did he just kiss you, or?” Mark could hear the grin in his voice as he asked.  
He swallowed down the next wave of embarrassment and decided to answer honestly,  
  
“He came into the living room on Saturday because he couldn't sleep. I kinda asked him if he loved JB, I don't know why, don't laugh at me...he said he doesn't know....and then I told him that he's pretty tough for walking away from him and.... then he kissed me.”  
  
“Do you want me to be honest?” Yugyeom said dryly and Mark's hands started shaking when he nodded.  
“It sounds like you've got it pretty bad, Hyung...”


	4. F O U R

The next few weeks Mark was thinking about his whole situation more often than not. He thought up and down and left and right, he thought about it in the shower, at work, during every single meal and finally when he was trying to fall asleep. He had a hard time believing that he might have a crush on his best friend, but all the signs lead him to that exact explanation.  
The thought affected the way he acted around Jinyoung and the way he tried to change his mind with force.  
He still tried finding excuses for his feelings and he started a few little tests on himself, trying to prove Yugyeom wrong, but every single one of these tests just made it clearer and clearer.

For example, the next two Saturdays at dance practise, he watched Junior move to the music. He thought it would be obvious that just because he cared for him a lot it didn't mean he was attracted to him. Mark then suffered a small identity crisis the first Saturday, when he proved himself the contrary. He found that Jinyoung was actually really handsome and he even wondered how he'd never really seen, how sexy he was when he put all of his energy into the dancing. How stunning and grown up his face looked when he concentrated and thought nobody was watching him and how his muscles moved with every step in the choreography.  
Another one of his tries was to concentrate more on the girls in his surroundings. He figured he might just be really lonely, which would make sense as he barely ever met friends and only hung out with his room mates, because, well, because they were there and he didn't have to put much effort into keeping contact.

So he found himself checking out female customers at work and even tried to see his long term colleague Jimin through different eyes, but the result was just another shock.  
His mind always wandered back to Jinyoung.  
He looked at a girl and as soon as he saw her eyes, he thought that they looked quite similar to his best friend's. Another woman, who he found kinda cute had the same wrinkles under her eyes when she laughed and the next one a similar delicate figure. Mark gave it up, he only got himself deeper into this mess and he did not want to continue sinking.  
When he let himself think about maybe falling for Jinyoung, he thought of it like it was a fall from the edge of the bed at best, a little accident, which was confusing, but not groundbreaking.  
One where it would take only a few moves to get back up and forget about it.  
Not a big deal.  
After two weeks of inspecting his situation, getting close to becoming the next Sherlock Holmes, he had to admit to himself that it was more like he'd fallen down a pretty fucking high cliff into the open ocean. With wild, angry waves that were now shoving him around, pushing him under water and he didn't see how he would ever get out of there without some seriously bad injuries.

It was on a Wednesday that their neighbour Youngjae invited them to a house party on the weekend. He lived only two houses away and the younger boys went to school with him, so it wasn't a big surprise that he wanted them to celebrate his birthday with him.  
Mark wasn't quite the party guy and he felt like he only got invited along with the others, so he wouldn't feel left out.  
But he decided that a party, loud music and annoying strangers was exactly what he needed to get his mind off for an evening.  
Even though his plan was not to think about Jinyoung for a day, he found himself being disappointed when that one stated he had other plans.  
On Friday, after work, he got home to Bambam and Yugyeom, struggling to wrap a birthday present together. He looked at them in disbelief, when he saw them giggling and nearly breaking the bottle of champagne they were trying to make look nice.  
That and something that had to be a cd or so.

“Welcome, hyyuuung.” Bambam smiled brightly and Yugyeom started laughing hysterically.  
Mark put down his bag and came closer. He looked at them warily.  
  
“Have you already started drinking?” he asked them strictly.  
  
“Jusst a lil bit.” Yugyeom grinned innocently and Bambam nodded.  
  
“You're unbelievable! It's only six pm,” he scolded them.  
  
“Your parents would kill me if they knew...” he then added sighing, while sitting down on the floor beside them.  
  
“You and Jinyoungie are our parents!” Yugyeom stated grumpily and Bambam exploded with laughter.  
  
Mark couldn't help but smile at them either.  
These idiots. He thought, while looking at the younger boys fondly.  
  
“Let me wrap that,” he continued “you guys have no talent whatsoever...”.  
He took the wrapping paper away from them.

The boys spent the next few hours kidding around and Mark wondered how anyone could have that much energy. He just sat on the couch and watched TV, until the boys decided to leave.  
Mark just changed his clothes- he was still wearing his work uniform- and put on a different shirt and styled his hair a bit, then he was ready to go.  
  
“You look good, hyung.” Bambam complimented him and Mark just ruffled him through his freshly styled hair, which earned him a grumpy mumble.  
  
It took them barely two minutes, before they stood in front of Youngjae's door, behind which loud music was already playing. Mark started regretting his decision.  
They greeted the birthday boy and gave him their presents and then they joined the rest of the people. Mark was surprised that the mood was already pretty good.  
He could never put a party like that together.  
Even though Jinyoung had already told them that he had other plans that day, Mark was still hoping he would be there. He caught himself searching the room for his best friend and he was a bit disappointed, that he was nowhere to be seen.  
It had him wonder what these 'other plans' consisted of and if a certain Im Jaebum was involved in them. He felt his mood drop at the thought of it, but then he remembered, what he was here for and started searching for something drinkable.  
It took him no time that he found what he was looking for and he helped himself gratefully.  
He started out with a bottle of beer, which he drank completely by himself, having lost his friends already, not in the mood to make new ones.  
For a moment he thought about going back to their flat, but then he just started drinking something harder. He assumed it was a mixture of Vodka and Cola, or at least he hoped it was that.  
It tasted awful, but he wasn't drinking it for the taste anyway.  
And it definitely did its job, because in contrary to the beer, he felt the alcohol go over into his blood quite quickly. A warm, nice feeling took hold in him and Mark started to enjoy himself.  
His eyes searched the room for familiar faces and he had to laugh when he saw Bambam and Yugyeom dance on a small living room table, being cheered on by a bunch of girls, who were definitely amused by the show they put on.  
Mark couldn't help but to take out his phone and secretly make a few pictures and a video of them.

“You're not gonna let them forget this, huh?” A voice besides him chuckled and Mark turned around in surprise.  
  
He looked into another familiar face, but it took him a moment to grasp the situation, because out of all the people he'd expected to show up, he wasn't one.  
  
“Jackson?” he blurted out, trying to be louder than the music “What are you doing here?”  
The other one just grinned at him broadly.  
  
“I could ask you the same thing!” he answered. “I haven't seen you in ages!”  
  
Mark couldn't believe it.  
Even though ages was over the top, he felt like it'd been a while, too.  
They hugged it out for a moment and Mark was impressed at how buff his former friend had gotten since he'd seen him last.  
  
“Since when are you back?” He wondered loudly “I thought you were still in America?”  
  
“I was! But my year got to an end last month... I wanted to call you, but it was really stressful being back.” he explained. “I had to find a job and everything and yeah...How about you, you look good, Mark!” He checked him with one huge glance down his body and Mark felt himself blushing a bit.  
“Are you still dancing?” He added and Mark smiled, relaxing a bit at the choice of topic.  
  
“Yes, as much as possible. You?” he wanted to know and Jackson just shook his head.  
  
“I took up fencing again in the states, but I want to start dancing again here...Maybe I'll check out your studio.” He winked and Mark chuckled.  
  
He felt so relaxed around him and he had forgotten how easy going his friend was.  
  
“Let's drink on you being back!” Mark suggested and Jackson agreed eagerly.  
  
They drank a few more drinks while talking about everything and nothing. Jackson told some funny stories from America, which made Mark a bit nostalgic, wishing to visit his family again.  
But it was nice listening to him.

They'd taken the conversation to the couch, as soon as it was free and Mark found himself walking wobbly from the alcohol in his blood stream. His head was already a fuzzy mess and he was glad when he didn't have to stand straight any more.  
He would've gotten extremely uncomfortable, when the topic went to girls and relationships and stuff like that, but he was simply too drunk to care about it a lot. It was a bit awkward at best.  
Jackson told him about a girlfriend he had in America, but Mark didn't really listen. He tried, but it took all of his energy.  
  
“How 'bout you? Got your eyes on anyone?” Jackson asked, while leaning in a bit closer, so he wouldn't have to shout in his ears over the beats of the music.  
  
“'don't know...” Mark said shyly “'s complicated.” he tried to duck out of it, but Jackson wouldn't let him.  
  
“Oh c'mon, Mark-hyung. You know you can tell me anything, we've shared all our secrets back in school, don't you remember?” he put one arm around him and squeezed his shoulder, encouraging him to speak up.  
  
“I'm not sure.” Mark sighed “It's awkward 'n I don't want you to think differently of me.”  
  
“I won't! I promise. I probably won't even remember tomorrow to be honest... I'm pretty pissed right now.” Jackson slurred and Mark thought it was okay to share his problem with him.  
  
“It's just that...One of the guys in my flat... he kissed me the other day and now I'm confused.” he admitted.  
  
“Wait...let me just make sure I understood you right... did you just say 'guy'? Just so I got you right...” Jackson babbled and Mark just nodded in embarrassment.   
He was more scared of his reaction, than he would've admitted.  
Even in this drunk state of mind.  
  
“Okay... well I'd be confused, too... but it's nothing to be ashamed of...” Jackson patted his back a bit “y'know. It's not like I've never kissed a dude...”  
  
Mark looked at him in surprise. “Really?”  
  
“Sure...it's not that big of a deal...What kind of kiss was it anyway?” he asked.  
  
“Mhhh... just a simple one on the lips... him and his boyfriend just broke up...” Mark explained.

That's when Yugyeom staggered across the room and joined them on the sofa.  
Mark introduced him to Jackson, but he didn't think Yugyeom would remember it anyway. He was pretty out of it.  
He barely understood, when that one slurred, “Jin's here. He got here about ten minutes ago...he asked for you... has he been here yet?”  
  
Mark looked at him in disbelief, his heart started racing, as he sat up straight.

“Jin as in Jinyoung?” He made sure and he felt Jackson's eyes on him.  
  
When Yugyeom nodded, he turned around to Jackson and explained, “The boy we talked about.”  
  
“Ooohhhh...” Jackson started to understand, “He is here right now?”  
  
“Seems like it...” Mark sighed and let himself fall into the couch again.  
  
“Aren't you going after him?” Jackson asked in confusion.  
  
Mark suddenly felt resignation built up inside him and he just shrugged his shoulders.  
Even though he thought he wanted Jinyoung to come, it didn't quite change anything, did it?  
After all he was here to forget about him and he really didn't want to search for him now, when he was sure there was only new drama about Jaebum he had to listen to. He wasn't strong enough for this right now. Not as drunk as he was and not after he'd just had a really good talk with Jackson.

That's what he told himself, but he was also scared shitless to confront his best friend. They still hadn't talked about the kiss and he wasn't sure if he could control his words in this situation.  
  
“Nah...I've been clingy enough lately. And I really don't want to hear about his ex right now either...”  
  
He looked at Yugyeom for confirmation, but he found that one snoring beside him, fallen onto the armrest on the other side of the sofa.  
Mark just rolled his eyes and thought, _If your mom could see you..._  
  
“So do you wanna dance or at least stand up or something?” Jackson changed the topic, which Mark was very thankful for “I'm gonna fall asleep, too, if I keep sitting here.”  
  
So they started joining the few people that were moving their bodies to the music in the living room and Mark had a hard time controlling his feet the way he wanted.  
He danced with Jackson and didn't think much of it, when that one laid his hands on his waist. Mark was actually glad for the support. That way he couldn't fall over just like that.  
  
“I can't believe you've become this tall...!” Jackson whined grumpily and Mark laughed at the expression on his face. He reached out and put a hand on Jackson's shoulders for more support.  
  
“I can't believe you've become this buff... you look like a body builder,” He chuckled.  
Jackson's eyes lit up, it was obvious that he thought of it as the greatest compliment.  
  
“I've been working out so much!” He stated proudly and Mark awkwardly looked at his biceps, while nodding “I can tell...”

Then all of a sudden, Jackson pulled Mark closer by his waist and he stood on his toes a little, to whisper in his ears.  
  
“Listen...I'm pretty sure your boy is watching us right now...” Jackson said, while grabbing Mark's neck, to hold him from turning it around that split second, as he continued whispering. Mark quickly followed jacksons gaze and tried to be as subtle as possible doing so. It actually was Jinyoung, standing in the doorframe of the room, staring right at the two of them.  
Jackson started whispering again, while his hands were still resting on Mark's waist.  
  
“You have two options” he stated “One, we make him really jealous right now, so he finally understands what he's got with you, or Two, you go over to him and fucking talk to him.”

Mark's heart was pounding loudly in his chest and he felt his knees struggle to hold up his weight.  
He looked into Jackson's eyes, seeking for help, but that one just smiled encouraging.  
Then Mark loosened his grip on Jackson's shoulder and pulled away slightly, Jackson immediately playing along, letting go of his waist. Mark turned around just in time, to see Jinyoung turn around in confusion and leaving the room hastily.  
Mark stood there for a moment, but then he looked at Jackson apologetically, telling him, he had to go.  
That one just grinned and said: “Don't fuck it up!”

But Mark was already on his way.  
The alcohol in his system making it incredibly much harder to lead his body through the rooms not knocking anyone over accidentally.  
When he saw Bambam, still laughing in a group of people, he pulled him aside quickly.  
  
“Have you seen Jinyoung?”  
  
Bambam just looked at him knowingly and told him, “He just went searching for the toilet I think.”

And Mark set himself in motion again, not thinking about anything other, than finding Jinyoung. He had no idea what he even wanted to say to him, but he didn't care.  
He found him sitting in front of the bathroom, on the floor, staring at the wall opposite from him.  
  
“Jinyoung...” He said and that one looked up as if he'd expected him “Yugyeom told me you were searching for me.” he started.  
  
“Yeah...” Jinyoung snorted, “That was half an hour ago...” he answered dryly.  
Mark just looked at him in disbelief.  
He didn't have energy for a fight. He didn't even have a reason to. He was drunk and slowly getting tired and it was really hard for him to concentrate, so he answered more harshly than he intended to.  
  
“Well, I can fuck off again then...” He opened his arms in defeat and was about to turn around, when Jinyoung's voice held him back, “No! Wait...”  
  
Mark looked at him, unsure of what to expect or do. He just stood there, waiting for Jinyoung to keep talking.  
And he did.  
  
“Listen... can we talk for a moment?” He asked and sounded vulnerable doing so.  
Then they got interrupted by a drunk guy, trying to get to the toilet, nearly running over Jinyoung, not seeing him sitting on the floor.  
Mark just rolled his eyes and before Jinyoung could say anything, he started checking the door's in the hallway, one of them lead into a small room with a single bed and a work desk in it, seemingly a guest room. But most importantly there was nobody in there, so Mark went in, waiting for Jinyoung to follow him.  
He did.  
And he closed the door behind them. Mark was sitting on the bed and Jinyoung kept standing near the door.  
  
“Okay...We can talk... but only if it's not about Jb,” Mark stated. He tried his best to let the words sound steady, but he wasn't sure if he managed that.  
  
“Sure... it's not about him...” Jinyoung began, “It's about...about the kiss...”  
Mark swallowed. He didn't expect him to be that upfront about it.  
  
“Oh...” he just said, getting uncomfortable.

Silence.  
  
“I already said... it's nothing.” Mark heard himself claim. This was his chance to clear things up, why did he start lying again?  
Jinyoung's face looked pained and concentrated to say the right thing.  
  
“Yes...I know... still...I wanted to say sorry, because I felt like you were ignoring me and I don't want this to stand between us...” He explained.  
  
Mark tensed up.  
Then he said, “I just needed some time to myself.... y'know... everyone kept telling me I was too involved with you.”  
  
What was this?  
Why was it sounding like he was blaming Jinyoung?  
This didn't go like he wanted it to.  
  
“Okay...” Jinyoung brought out, “So you're involving yourself with some strangers at parties instead...?”  
  
Mark looked at him in disbelief. He felt himself getting angry.  
  
“What's that supposed to mean?” he hissed, “First of all, I've known Jackson for ages and just happened to meet him again for the first time in forever, and second of all, Why does it bother you, what I'm doing? It's not like you care.”   
He'd stood up from the bed and stared at him angrily.  
Mark was surprised at how sober his words sounded, as if the anger cleared his mind a bit.  
Jinyounglooked like he was close to tears.  
  
“I didn't know you knew him...“ He mumbled, “I didn't mean it like that, Mark ...I'm sorry...” and Mark's anger immediately made place for guilt.  
He shouldn't have gone at him like that.  
His best friend wasn't in a good place and he could see that. He wasn't in the condition to be yelled at.  
  
“It's just that...I've been so confused lately and I don't know how to deal with you...” Mark admitted, looking down.  
  
“I know... and I know I'm being selfish, but I really need you at the moment and I don't want to lose you...” Jinyoung whispered and Mark could nearly hear the lump in his throat while he was speaking.   
His friend made a huge step, so he could stand closer to Mark.

“You won't loose me, stupid...” Mark sighed “I care about you a damn lot, y'know?”  
  
Jinyoung just looked at him as if he wasn't sure what he should do.  
  
“I think I need to sit down for a moment...” Mark slurred, as he felt his stomach act up and his knees feeling wobbly again “I'm pretty drunk right now.”  
He stumbled back a few steps and sat back down at the bed. Jinyoung followed him worried.  
  
“You okay?” he asked and Mark just nodded.  
He lay down completely, grateful that he didn't have to hold up his body any longer. It was getting really troublesome.  
While he was lying there, staring at the ceiling, he quietly mumbled.  
  
“Can I ask you something?”  
  
“Sure...” Jinyoung said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
  
“Why did you kiss me in the first place?” Mark heard himself ask.  
He regretted it when a long silence appeared.

He nearly thought the other wouldn't answer at all, when that one said, “I don't know...I think I was just really out of it...”  
  
Mark tried his best to keep his eyes open. That's the answer he'd expected but not the one he'd hoped for. His body was getting too heavy and he knew, the moment he'd close his eyes he'd fall asleep, so he tried not to.  
  
“You know... the whole break up and all was really confusing...and then Jaebum said something that was even more confusing...” Jinyoung explained, sounding unsure if he should keep on speaking and a weird nervousness wrapped itself around Mark.  
Jinyoung kept quiet, so Mark babbled “I thought we agreed not to speak of him...”  
  
Jinyoung hummed quietly, but then answered,  
“Right...but it's not really about him... he said something about you that confused me.” He admitted and Mark took all of his leftover strength to lift his upper body up a bit and support his weight on his arms. He tried to roll his eyes, but Jinyoung still looked at the wall opposite from him and didn't notice, so Mark added “He hates my guts, of course he'd talk shit about me...”  
But Jinyoung just quietly shook his head no.  
  
“That's not it. He told me that he thinks you're into me...” he whispered and Mark's heart nearly stopped beating.  
He wasn't prepared for this.

Why did Jaebum say that to him?  
What were his intentions?  
Mark's head was too slow to think of an answer, so he just looked at Jinyoung's profile in silence, which was way too close to a confession for Mark.  
But he just forgot how to form thoughts. He was afraid of whatever his brain would come up with right now, so he didn't allow his mouth to move.  
Now Jinyoung turned around and looked at him, unsure.  
  
“Did you hear me, Hyung? Why aren't you talking?” His voice sounded desperate.  
The pressure was clearing Mark's head. This was not the time to be honest.  
He felt like he would ruin everything, if he told the truth. He felt like he would somehow risk losing to Jaebum by confessing.  
Mark finally talked.  
  
“Why do you even mention something like that?” he mumbled, “You're my best friend, of course I'm not into you...”  
  
He finally gave in to his body and to the alcohol and his desperate need to rest.  
He felt himself drift into the land of his dreams and everything seemed to spin under him. So he wasn't quite sure if he really heard Jinyoung's voice answer him or if it was the beginning of a dream.  
  
“I know...I was stupid for hoping...”


	5. F I V E

When Mark woke up on Saturday, he felt his headache before he felt anything else.  
And it didn't help that when he opened his eyes, a bright light fell in through the window of his room. It took him a while until he recalled the memories of the day before and he wondered how he'd gotten back home. But no matter how concentrated he thought about it, he had no idea.  
The last thing he knew, was that he was dancing with Jackson...oh and that he was searching for Jinyoung, but he couldn't have answered to what happened next. He didn't even know if he found Jinyoung in the end or if he just gave up. Or if he went home alone or with the boys. Everything was a blur.  
He decided to get a glass of water and an aspirin for breakfast, so he stood up. The aching in his head just responded with nearly blinding him, when he tried walking.  
“Urgh.” he groaned as he pressed his hand against his temple

After he'd stumbled into the bathroom to do his morning business, he went into the kitchen, finding that the others were already awake.  
Yugyeom was in a similar condition, because he looked at him through nearly closed eyes as he handed over the aspirin without a word. Mark didn't even have to ask for it.  
Bambam seemed to be in a better place, he just looked a bit tired, while he was eating some cereal.  
Jinyoung was sat on the couch, looking up at Mark quickly.  
  
“Morning,” Bambam said, “You look terrible.”  
  
“Good morning to you, too...” Mark grumbled sarcastically.  
  
He joined them at the table and started making himself a bowl of cereal, too, after he'd taken the pill.  
They sat there in silence for a while, when Mark remembered, what he wanted to ask.  
  
“Can anyone tell me how I got home yesterday?”  
He earned laughter from Bambam and a disappointed head-shaking from Yugyeom.  
  
“I walked you home,” Jinyoung explained carefully, “don't you remember?”  
Now Mark was on guard. He looked over to Jinyoung and the unsure look on his face made him nervous.  
  
“No... I tried to remember, but I can't...” he admitted.  
  
“Then you must've been pretty pissed,” Bambam stated with big eyes.  
  
“Mhh...” Mark nodded.  
“So you can't remember anything?” Jinyoung wanted to know, still looking at him with that insecurity.  
  
“The last thing I know is that I was looking for you...” he said carefully and ignored the faces the younger ones were making.  
  
“Yeah... that's about the last thing that happened. You found me and then you fell asleep on the guests bed and I woke you up and half-carried you here...” Jinyoung told him, but Mark had the feeling that it wasn't quite everything.  
  
“Thanks...” he just said, “and sorry if I was annoying...”  
  
But Jinyoung just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nah, you're not so different when you're drunk.”  
And then he stood up and added, “I'm off to the library now, I'll be back in a few hours.”

He grabbed his rucksack and left Mark with the boys.  
  
“Don't you think he acted a bit weird?” he asked, as soon as Jinyoung was out of the flat.  
  
“A little bit, yeah,” Yugyeom agreed.  
  
“Did I do something stupid yesterday...?” Mark sighed and leaned back in his chair.  
He got no answer.  
  
  


Jinyoung wasn't back in a few hours and Mark couldn't reach him on his phone, so he went to dance practise by himself.  
He even thought of not going at all for a moment, but then he forced himself to leave the flat.  
It was one of the weakest practises he'd ever done and he even had to explain himself to the others. They understood when he told them he was hungover, but that wasn't quite it. He did feel weak physically, but most of all he was lost in his thoughts once again.  
Why didn't his best friend show up and why didn't he at least cancel?  
What if Mark had really done something stupid?  
But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't grasp it.  
It didn't help to see Jaebum, while leaving the studio. That one ignored him completely, but Mark still felt his anger towards him build up in his body.  
Jaebum just stood there leaning against the wall of the studio, talking to somebody on the phone.  
He must've already noticed Mark, but he didn't show it.

Jinyoung didn't come home until late that night.  
Mark was already in his room.  
He was killing time on his Laptop, maybe looking through people's facebook pages and getting himself worked up over them. For example the fact that Jaebum's relationship status still said “In a relationship with Park Jinyoung”.  
Mark would've loved to click that 'single'-button for him.  
When the door got opened he listened closely for a moment, even though it could only be Jinyoung, because the others were watching TV in the living room.  
  
“Hey...” he heard them greet him and he even stood up in his room quietly, to listen close to their short conversation.  
  
“What were you up to?”  
  
“Not much...” Jinyoung's muffled voice said.  
  
“You met with Jaebum, right?” Yugyeom confronted him, keeping his voice down.  
  
“Yah....how did you know?”  
  
“It's obvious. You have this certain Jaebum-look on you again.”  
  
“Please don't tell Mark about this...” he whispered tiredly.  
  
“...sure.”

Mark lay back on his bed, ignoring his laptop.  
He screwed up his face.  
The lump in his throat was back. When did things become so confusing and complicated?  
Them breaking up didn't mean a thing. Mark wasn't even sure if they really broke up.  
He was too tired to care anyway.  
Way too tired.

-

Some weeks passed.

They got back to their usual routine, Mark was dancing a lot and working a lot. The boys were going to school. They got more stressed as time passed, coming closer to the end of the year.  
Mark thought about Jinyoung a lot, but only when the night creeped in and he was left in the dark. He tried his best to keep his mood up and to concentrate on other things, but it was difficult.  
Maybe it was a stupid phase or maybe he really was lonely.  
Actually he knew he was lonely.  
He just didn't believe anything could change that. And there was no way this thing he had for Jinyoung lately could be good. But he couldn't get rid of his feelings just like that. That's not how feelings work usually. He wandered through the same thoughts over and over again, as if he had missed a clue that could finally resolve that riddle for good.  
He always came back to thinking about his sexuality. It was a huge thing to come to terms with.  
It wasn't like he was gay or something.  
He wasn't. He still liked girls.  
A lot.  
Girls were a lot better than guys. He loved their bodies and he still felt himself attracted to them. He loved all of their different types of voices, personalities, ways of talking and walking and basically everything.   
Big girls and small girls and everything in between.  
Some more than others.  
  
He couldn't say that about boys.  
Boys were just...boys.  
Nothing special usually. He could fairly tell if he found a guy attractive, but that didn't mean he was attracted to them. He could enjoy a man's aesthetic, but he never found himself attracted to one.  
Well... yes, he did. To exactly one boy.  
Jinyoung was currently above all of the boys and girls and everything in between.  
He wasn't just number one on his list.  
There was no list. He was the only one he found himself thinking of, feeling attracted to and being confused about. Now and then even frustrated, in every single way.  
Be it emotionally, aesthetically or sexually.

And that was the thing that scared Mark.  
As soon as he thought it was okay to admit that he might have a tiny little crush on his best friend, he started thinking about what that actually meant and everything was turned around again.  
It meant that there was something new, whenever he looked at his best friend and Mark wasn't a big fan of new things.  
It meant that their friendship was changing -already had changed- because of him.  
And it probably meant that he wasn't quite as straight as he had thought.  
He didn't know which of these points was the scariest one.

And Jinyoung came home late at least once a week.  
And even though nobody ever said the name, everyone still knew that he spent the time with Jaebum. They could only suggest what they were doing.  
It looked far from healthy and the boys had tried to get to Jinyoung many times, but even if he stayed away for a while, he would always go back to him  
Mark was about to go crazy.  
Whenever the other one was out, he had to physically stop himself from imagining him with Jaebum and all the things they could be doing.  
Probably were doing.  
Mark knew they didn't meet up to cuddle.  
Not after breaking up.  
Not after even the relationship status on Jaebum's facebook was changed to 'single'.  
If there was an option for 'occasional fuck' he would've probably chosen that one.

“I can't handle this shit any more,” Mark breathed out, sitting on his bed, his phone in his hands.  
Then he dialled a familiar number.  
It took a few moments and Mark got weirdly nervous, before the peep-tone ended.  
  
“Hello?” Jackson's voice sang.  
  
“Hey...it's me....Mark,” he stuttered.  
  
“I know it's you, your face just lit up on my phone...” was the answer. “What's up?”  
  
“I don't know... not much...do you 'wanna hang out or something?” Mark asked.  
  
“Sure... I can come over if you want to...” Jackson suggested.  
  
“Yeah... nice...when will you be here?”  
  
“Give me half an hour...”

It was so nice to just call him up after not having contact for about a year and it not being weird.  
They seemed to just continue where they had stopped then.  
Those kind of friends were the best ones.  
And he really needed a friend right now.

Against Mark's expectation, Jinyoung was home earlier that day.  
It wasn't that he was out every other day -not that Mark was keeping track- but he had a feeling this day would be one of those where he would stay out late and come back home looking tired and somehow regretful.  
Sometimes even not quite himself.  
Somehow messed up.  
It made Mark feel sick in his stomach every single time, so he invited Jackson over.  
But when that one awkwardly stood between Jinyoung, Mark and the boys in their flat, Mark knew he needed to get out of there.  
As soon as possible.  
Or he would probably burst.  
  
“Let's go on the roof...” he mumbled and grabbed Jackson's arm, when that one just tried to put on a cheery face to lighten up the mood. He just followed him in confusion and they went to the stairway.

“Wow, y'all are in a good mood today...” Jackson stated and earned an exaggerated sigh.  
  
They went up the last few steps and reached the small door to the roof, which made Mark relax automatically. There was just something about that place. He connected it to dancing and dancing was the one thing that always brought him back to solid ground, even when he was flying through the air.  
  
“I have no idea how I could stay in there for weeks without a break...” Mark realized.  
  
“What's wrong? You all seem super stressed.”  
  
“It's so complicated.”  
  
They sat down on a small, cute bench, elderly neighbours had set up a long time ago.  
The wood was already a bit rotten.  
They sat there for a moment, before Mark started talking.  
  
“You remember Jinyoung, right?”  
  
“Yeah, your complicated love interest...” he chuckled.  
  
“Yeah...that one.” Mark cringed at the word 'love interest', but he didn't have enough motivation to call Jackson out on it.  
  
“He's basically still fucking his ex and that one is a real dick and when he comes home he always looks like shit....” His voice broke a bit at the end and he had to stop talking, because he'd probably just scream or cry or even worse, say something awkward while doing any of these things.  
But Jackson understood.  
  
“And you're watching him the whole time...” he concluded and Mark just nodded.  
He felt so vulnerable.  
  
“Didn't you talk to him that night at the party?”  
  
“I don't know. I can't really remember...” he admitted and a single tear escaped his eye, when he shut them close. He hoped Jackson didn't notice, but he did.  
  
“Aw, c'mere...don't cry, hyung.” He pulled him into a warm and long hug, wrapping his arms tightly around him, as if to make sure that the taller one wouldn't fall apart beneath him.  
  
“You've got it bad, huh?” he mumbled into Mark's hair, when he rested his head on his.  
No answer. Just silence and warmth.  
After a while he started talking again.  
  
“Y'know...it's just really shitty... all of this. I could deal with this confusion shit, but I hate seeing him fucking hurting because of that shitbag.”  
  
He pulled away from Jackson, mumbling a quiet “thank you.” as he continued to wipe away the wetness around his eyes with his sleeve.  
“Why is everything always so complicated?” he wanted to know, facing the sky, as if it held all of the answers, but didn't give them to him, because it was having too much fun watching him suffer.  
Jackson just hummed agreeing.  
“Argh....this is so annoying.... I never thought I'd ever be in this kinda situation...” he grunted. “I never thought I could actually be...y'know...whatever this is.”  
  
He heard Jackson chuckle.  
  
“Ah yes... the arrogance of the human race...” Jackson sighed and leaned back against the bench. “We always think we're above things...above feelings and safe from surprises, until they hit us with full speed...”  
Mark just looked at his friend like he was about to hit him.  
  
“Are you trying to be philosophical?" he mumbled annoyed. "Because it's not working...”  
  
“No, but it's always like this... you watch a documentary about some illness and there's this feeling of 'this could never happen to me' and 'this has nothing to do with me', but that's just stuff we tell ourselves to live an easier life.  
You can go your whole life thinking you're straight and tell yourselves you'd never fall for a boy and the next moment you've got a dick up your ass...or in your situation you're thirsting over your best friend...who happens to me male, like yourself...” Jackson took a deep breath when Mark looked at him in confusion.  
“What I'm trying to say is: You need to get over yourself, Hyung! There's worse than being attracted to a man. It doesn't matter, life doesn't give a single shit about that. The important thing is what you do about it.”  
  
Jackson looked at Mark with a determined look on his face and Mark sighed again. He wished he could've just started arguing with him, but he knew better. In fights where words are necessary, Jackson was definitely the man to bet on.  
Not that Mark would stand a chance in a physical fight.  
  
“Then tell me what you would do!” he demanded and Jackson started thinking about it.  
  
“I...” he said firmly “I would tell him!” and then he started grinning. “And I would capture his heart and then I'd kiss him like he's never been kissed before...not even by that JB- who even names himself that- and then I would lift him up with my strong arms and ride into the sunset on my white horse... “ he jumped up from the bench and started galloping around on the roof, while making hoof-sounds.  
  
Mark exploded with laughter.  
That was the silliest sight and he could only shake his head at the dumbness of his friend.

“Stop talking about him like that...” he said playfully “he's my man after all!” he grinned.  
  
“OH!” Jackson called out, while clapping spurs to his imaginary stud. “That's what I wanna hear! You have to fight for him or this Justin Bieber will win him over again!”  
  
Then he ran over to the bench again and out of nowhere he pulled Mark up by the wrist and sang off key, “You gotta fight for him, or I'm gonna take him from you.”  
  
Then he wrapped his arms around Mark and tried pulling him off the ground, which apparently was harder to do than he imagined, because Mark felt Jackson wobble under his weight and finally collapsing beneath him, absorbing the fall with both hands, Mark landing directly on him. They lay there in shock for a second, before they both started laughing hysterically.  
  
“What a gentle prince you are.” Mark laughed out and started rubbing his knees, which hurt from hitting the ground first.  
  
“You're just way too heavy!” Jackson grunted, “I think my back is broken!”  
  
“Are you kidding me? You always made fun of me for being so skinny!” Mark countered insulted.  
  
“Well... you might have put on weight then.”  
  
Mark slapped Jackson's chest, before getting up and turning around to sit back on the bench, when his view fell to the open roof door.

Jinyoung was standing there, looking at them irritated. He didn't move and just stood there for a moment and Mark didn't quite get why he was staring at him like that.  
Then the moment was over and Jinyoung just turned around on the spot without saying a word, his eyes cold as ice. Mark could only watch him pulling the door close with a loud bang.  
Then Mark's brain woke up from its slumber and a million thoughts came shooting into it, one being more apparent than all of the others.  
  
How much had he heard?


	6. S I X

Oh no.  
How long had he been standing there?  
Had he heard the conversation about him?  
Oh god.  
Mark turned around in panic and looked at Jackson, searching for help.  
That one just shrugged his shoulders, looking quite as confused.  
  
“Did you see him there?” Mark whispered. He wasn't sure why his voice wasn't louder.  
  
“No” Jackson promised “just now!”  
  
“Do you think he heard me talking about him earlier?” Mark's heart started racing. “Oh god, what if he heard it...?”  
  
“I don't know, hyung...” Jackson replied, while getting up from the ground, where he'd still been lying. “You need to go after him!”  
  
“And then?” Mark whined. “What the fuck should I say to him?”  
  
“It doesn't matter! But go!!” Jackson overcame the distance between them and with a slight push on the back he indicated him to hurry.  
Mark did.

His body started moving and he hushed to the roof door, his mind being in total chaos and his heart trying to race out of his chest. He ran down the stairs, always taking two steps at once, managing not to fall down.  
When he reached their apartment door, he rang the bell eagerly.  
He already felt something was off.  
Why weren't Jinyoung's shoes outside?  
When the door opened, he rushed in and ran right into a confused Yugyeom, who just looked at him in shock.  
  
“Shit, Hyung! You scared me!” he breathed out, while holding his chest. Mark didn't have time to apologize.  
  
“Was Jin here?” he asked with stress in his voice.  
  
“Didn't he go to the roof? He wanted to join you two...”  
  
“He was there, but then he left again.” Mark explained, while turning around again. Without waiting for an answer he left the flat again, pulling the door close behind him in a hurry.  
  
“Shit..” he said under his breath “that idiot!”  
  
Mark ran out of the house and looked both ways of the street in front of it. His friend was nowhere to be seen.  
He couldn't have gone that far... unless he took the bus, that was.  
Where was he going anyway?

Mark was breathing hard, while running down the short way to the station.  
He found it completely empty. Nobody waiting at the bus station, nobody close to it.  
Mark looked at the plan and his assumption came true. The last bus had left a minute ago, probably with Jinyoung in it, and the next one was coming in ten minutes.  
He sighed and let himself fall onto the waiting bench.  
It took him a moment to get his heart to slow down again and to calm his breathing.  
He threw his head into his hands and cussed under his breath, hissing every curse word he could think of.  
Why was everything so fucking complicated?  
And why did that idiot run away again?  
  
Mark knew why.  
Jinyoung had probably heard him talking and now he was disappointed- or worse -disgusted at him for catching feelings for his best friend.  
It's not like he chose to!  
Mark wished he just caught these feelings like a cold that could be taken care of, but a bit of soup and medicine were not going to fix this mess and everything he tried only made his feelings worse.  
And even though he was justifying himself in his mind, he understood Jinyoung.  
He really did.  
His friend trusted him and no matter if he chose this or not, he knew he was risking this friendship and that thought was turning his stomach upside down.  
To Mark it didn't matter.  
It didn't matter if it meant suffering in silence, not talking another single word about his feelings, if he could somehow safe their friendship by doing so.  
At this moment, as he was sitting there at the bus station by himself, he wished he'd never spoken up to anyone about it.  
Because he had ruined everything.

When he had calmed his body from the effects of the little sprint, he decided to call Jinyoung. He took out his phone and typed the number that was burned into his brain like a curse.  
But he already knew by the first toot that his friend wouldn't pick up.  
His mailbox answered instead and Mark cursed again.  
He stood up and slowly started walking back to the flat. On the way he realized that he hadn't taken anything with him, not even his keys.  
He was never that mindless.  
Even when he knew the boys were at home, he'd never leave without his stuff. But Jinyoung had that kind of effect on him. This boy made him leave everything behind and not care about anything but him. He turned him into a mindless, radical idiot and Mark wasn't sure how to feel about that.  
He was trotting back home and only noticed how hard he'd been clenching his teeth, when his jaw started hurting. He forced himself to calm down and when he did, his stress and worry turned into angst, as only one thought was on his mind.  
_Please._  
Please just don't go to him.  
  
-

Jinyoung didn't come home that night.  
Or the next.  
Or any night that week.  
The only thing him and the boys got, was a text that said, _ >Don't worry about me, I just need a bit of time alone. I'll be back soon<  
_  
Mark didn't believe a single word in that text. He stared at Bambam's phone for at least ten minutes, reading the lines over and over.  
I'll be back soon.  
_Lies._  
Time alone.  
_Lies._  
Don't worry about me.  
That's probably the biggest lie of them all.

Mark knew better than not to worry. He had known his best friend long enough. Not only did he know that he was good at pretending like nothing was wrong.  
He also knew that Jinyoung's ability to treat himself right wasn't exactly his forte. Mark never really found out if it had something to do with his self esteem or if he just never learned to take care of himself. But Jinyoung wasn't stupid -quite the contrary- he was so smart that it scared Mark sometimes. So he couldn't believe that he just didn't know how to take care of himself. It was probably the sadder variation of both. For some reason Jinyoung had always had a tendency to get into dangerous situations.  
Into toxic relationships.  
Into pain.  
When he was just getting to know him, Mark had thought he was clumsy or unlucky or both, but after years he got the feeling that Jinyoung provoked these things, or at least that he seeked them unconsciously. And it hurt Mark like nothing else to watch him do it.  
But now he couldn't even watch him, because Jinyoung had once again shut himself off completely and Mark was left with the feeling that Jinyoung was in a bad place, but with no chance to watch over him. He knew that his friend didn't quite grasp what he was doing to him, but it was tearing Mark apart to be left like this.  
To worry.  
So.  
Much.

It was after three more days that the next sign of life appeared. Mark was about to go crazy already and the younger boys had no choice but to notice. It wasn't assessable.  
They tried their best to distract him, but it never quite got his thoughts away from Jinyoung.  
Mark was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to loud music, when Bambam came in. The older boy didn't even notice. He couldn't hear him entering and he was too deep in his thoughts, to see him, so he sat up in shock, when a hand touched his shoulder, trying to be careful.  
  
“Shit, Bambam!” he called out, then he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, “you scared me!” he sighed and Bambam just smiled at him apologetically.  
  
“Sorry... I knocked, but you didn't answer!”  
  
“It's all right... do you need something?” Mark wondered.  
  
“No... actually... it's Jinyoung... he just called and I thought I'd tell you.” Bambam looked at him carefully, as if his words could cause immediate pain in the other one.  
Mark's eyes just got wide and he felt himself breathing harder.  
  
“What did he say? Where is he? Is he still on the phone?!” Mark sputtered and he couldn't overlook the slight pity in Bambam's glance, when he shook his head no.  
  
“He just wanted to tell us that he's okay... he just wanted...” he thought for a moment and then continued, “he called my private number...” he explained slowly.  
  
“Oh...okay...” Mark understood.  
He wasn't an idiot after all.  
They had a number for all of them, which usually only them and their families used. And they had cellphones... and well...there was that.  
  
“I asked him to talk to you, Hyung...” Bambam explained, as if to apologize for Jinyoung's behaviour.  
  
“But he didn't want to...I get it, Bam! It's not your fault!” Mark talked without thinking, concentrating on faking a strong voice. He wasn't sure if he succeeded, but the pity in his friends eyes spoke volumes.  
  
“So what did he say...” he tried to sound casual.  
  
“He...he said he's all right... and that he just needed some time to himself...but...” Bambam told him and then stopped, like he wasn't sure if he should keep on.  
  
“But what?” Mark sighed. He knew it couldn't be good news.  
  
“I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna find out anyway...and it's not a big surprise....”  
  
“What is it, Bam?” Mark urged.  
  
“He's at Jaebum's,” Bambam admitted and Mark just swallowed heavily.   
It's not like he didn't know. He knew it all along. Since the moment he saw Jinyoung turning his back on him at the roof.  
And again, he wasn't an idiot. He was falling for his best friend, but he was not turning into an idiot.  
It wasn't a surprise for his mind. His mind knew this.  
It was a surprise for his heart. His stupid, little, naíve heart. This useless thing had held onto hope even though everything spoke against it. There hadn't been a single reason to be hopeful, but this dumb thing still was. That's why it was still a shock after all the thinking Mark had done.  
While he focused on handling the pain that spread in his chest like someone put a 2tons weight on it, he didn't notice that Bambam was still waiting for an answer whatsoever.  
So when he stayed silent, the pity in his friend's eyes just got bigger.  
  
“I'm sorry hyung... I just wanted to be honest with you. You already knew anyway, right?”  
  
“Right...” Mark brought out, his voice only being a whisper in the big room. He sounded as small as he felt.  
“Did he say anything else? Like, how long he's staying..” Mark attempted.  
It was a real mission to make his small voice heard, while the weight was still pressing all of his air out of him.  
  
“Not really... He acted all tough like always... you know how he is...” Bambam explained and Mark just hummed, managing a thin smile. “He said his grades are good enough, so it's no big deal if he misses school for a while...but he didn't sound very good...” he said honestly.  
No answer.  
  
“If there's anything we can do for you...” He started, but Mark just put his hand on Bambam's shoulder.  
  
“I'm okay... I mean.... I'm not...it's just... there's not really anything you can do...”   
Mark was tired.  
  
“Unless you know where Jaebum's house is... that'd be quite useful right now.”  
Bambam just smiled poorly and shook his head no.  
  
“Sorry...”  
  
“I didn't think so...”

The weekend didn't go much better. Not that anything especially bad happened.  
Nothing happened.  
At all.  
And that was the problem. Mark was going crazy, not having anything to lean on. He only had this wary text message and Bambam's report to jump to conclusions from.  
He tried calling Jinyoung a couple of times, but he didn't expect him to pick up. Mark knew him too well. But there was still his stupid little heart, hoping.  
While he was still worrying about him every day, he also really started missing his presence. It reminded him just how deep he was into this.  
He found himself standing in the door frame to Jinyoung's room quite a few times a day, which the younger boys watched worrying.  
At work he was like an empty shell. He did what he had to do, at least he thought so, but it was far from doing a good job. He was grateful for his time at the supermarket though, because it gave him something to do and that's what he needed the most. He was forced to shut his thoughts down for a bit and concentrate on his duties.  
Rinse and repeat.

It was two weeks after he had seen Jinyoung last and he found himself lying on his bed again, doing nothing, when he heard a knock on his door.  
Before he could say anything, it got torn open and the boys stood there, looking like they had a plan.  
  
“Yes, you can come in...” Mark said to them sarcastically, but he was ignored.  
  
“Hyung, we need to talk about this,” Yugyeom proclaimed, waving his hand vaguely around Mark's direction.  
  
“What do you mean by this?” Mark provoked.  
  
“This...” Bambam repeated “You! And this thing you're doing...becoming a zombie...”  
  
Mark just sighed dramatically, rolling around on his bed, turning his back on them. But they didn't let him shoo them away like this.  
  
“No, Hyung. We've had enough. This needs to change!” Yugyeom said louder and they both sat down at the edge of his bed, which he just grunted annoyed at.  
  
“Look...” The youngest said with a softer voice, “I get how hard this is and we see that you're in a bad place, okay?” he laid his hand on Mark's shoulder “But you need to get out of this room for a change! You're not helping him by getting depressed.”  
  
Mark sighed and nobody said a word.  
“I'm not getting depressed.” He whispered. “I just don't really want to do anything, y'know...” He admitted.  
  
“Yeah... but that's the point...you haven't even been to dance practise!” Yugyeom stated and Mark couldn't argue with that. He had in fact not danced at all in the past two weeks.  
Not even by himself on the roof. Not even in his room.  
Not at all.  
He just grunted.  
  
“So...” Bambam grinned. “We're going dancing today!”  
  
Mark rolled around, complaining. He looked at the boys, just to find that their expressions looked creepily determined.  
  
“You're kidding, right? I don't even know if the studio's free today!” He tried and the other two just looked at him and then at each other, like he was a bit slow.  
  
“Not in the studio, you knob. We're going to a club,” Bambam explained, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Yugyeom laughed at Mark's expression and added,  
“You do remember what partying is? Having fun? Getting drunk?”  
  
“Not really....” Mark mumbled, while he tried to turn around again, but two big hands grabbed him, one belonging to each of the boys.  
  
“Parties are stupid and I don't see the point in having fun...” he grumbled. But after a short while he added, “I do like the thought of getting shit-ass drunk though...”  
  
The younger one's yelled in celebration and high-fived each other.  
  
“YES!”

 

Mark regretted agreeing to their plan as soon as it came to actually getting ready and leaving the house.  
This was so stupid.  
And useless.  
What was the point?

They were sitting at the bus station and the street lights were already on, the air was getting colder.  
During the bus ride that should get them into the city, the younger ones were talking passionately arguing over some cartoon or anime or something.  
Mark didn't really listen.  
He just spent the ride looking out of the window, wondering what Jinyoung was doing right that moment. But he wouldn't find an answer.  
As if to distract him from his thoughts, his phone started vibrating in the back pocket of his jeans.  
His heart was beating a bit faster, couldn't help to hope seeing that one name light up on the screen, but was disappointed when it didn't.  
  
“Jackson?” Mark answered.  
  
“Yah....where are you?” Jackson kept his voice down for some reason.  
  
“I'm at the bus, we're going to The Flux...why?”  
  
“It's just... I was checking out your dance studio and I'm sitting in a café near and...”  
  
“Wait a moment,Jackson,” Mark interrupted him.  
The bus had stopped at their station and Mark was shoving himself through the door with the other passengers. Some of them seemed to have the same destination, as they were dressed pretty revealingly.  
Mark inhaled the fresh air for a moment.  
Then he told Jackson to continue and he did.  
  
“I wanted to see if they have a place for me to join and...”  
  
“Get to the point, Jackson!” Mark interrupted.  
  
“The thing is, I've found your missed prince,” he said and Mark nearly dropped over his own feet, while trying to grasp what he just heard.  
  
“Jinyoung??” he slurped out and the boys, that had been walking besides him looked at him in confusion.  
  
“Yes, that one! He was waiting at the studio half an hour ago and then he left again....” Jackson told him “and I've kinda been following him a bit, because of all your desperate texts lately and...yeah.”  
  
“You did what?” Mark thought he hadn't heard right.  
  
“Look. I'm not calling you to be judged... I just wanted to know if I should find out where that Justin Bieber is living or not...because now I have the chance to.”  
  
Mark tried to process his words and before he could think about it, his mouth already said,  
“Yes. Just follow him and don't let him see you! And when he gets into a house, write down the address, okay?”  
There was no time for shame.  
  
“Aye-aye sir!” Mark could hear Jackson's grin in his voice. “I'm giving him like fifteen minutes though... I have a life, too, y'know,” Jackson said and Mark just smiled.  
  
“If you say so.”  
Then they hung up.  
Mark's heart was racing. He thanked the universe for Jackson Wang and his creepy, genius way of thinking.  
Then he looked into question filled faces.  
  
“What just happened?” Yugyeom wanted to know. He looked wary.  
  
“I kinda just told Jackson to follow Jinyoung home...” Mark concluded. It sounded extremely weird when he said it out loud like this.  
  
“Wow...” Bambam sighed, “That's some next level shit...”  
But Mark didn't miss the smug grin building on his face.  
  
“But it's all right... we're just worried...” Mark tried to make himself feel better and they nodded.  
His mood was lifted a bit for a moment, because finally there was a bit of actual reason for hope.


	7. S E V E N

After half an hour at The Flux, Mark found himself being pretty close to shit-ass drunk, which was his end goal.  
But just close.  
  
So he took the next cocktail he'd ordered and joined the others on the dance floor again. He was trying to get through all of the sweating bodies that were moving to and completely off the beat and he regretted taking his drink with him. When he was back with his friends he started dancing again. It had been too long and it didn't matter that this kind of dancing had nothing to do with choreographies and big gestures.  
He was way too drunk for that anyway. It was just nice to move his body again and to feel himself flowing with the music.  
  
It didn't take long and his cup was empty again and sweat was running down his forehead, when he suddenly realized that his boys were acting weird.  
Yugyeom was staring in the direction of the wardrobe and Bambam quickly pulled him by the arm to face them again. But Mark had already followed his gaze and it took his eyes a moment to clear his view. He had already trouble seeing clearly, but he could identify the person, they'd been looking at immediately.  
  
Im Jaebum was making his way to the bar and a bunch of people were greeting him, having expected him apparently.  
Mark had trouble standing straight, but he couldn't take his gaze off of him.  
His pulse was getting faster and the alcohol in his bloodstream let his emotions build up a bit too sudden. He heard himself cursing.  
  
“That fucking twat... who does he think he is?”  
He felt a hand on his arm, as if to hold him back.  
  
“Hyung...” A voice called him, loud enough to drown out the noisy music.  
  
“It's okay...” He stated loudly. “I'm not gonna do anything!”  
Finally he took his glare off the tall boy and his friends group and faced his friends again.  
  
“But can you believe it... He didn't even take Jinyoung with him...” he slurred angrily.  
  
“He's an asshole... we know that by now!” Yugyeom declared and the others nodded.  
  
“Well... but he has Jinyoungie after all...” Mark tried to smile it off, but his racing heart wouldn't let him.   
He felt himself getting sad and that was the one thing he didn't want to be. He wanted to be angry and possibly get the chance to smash this guy's face if another reason presented itself to him that night.   
Not that he needed any more reasons.  
Even more than that he would've loved to forget about all that for a moment. To just dance a little longer and to enjoy being with the boys and to drink so much, that maybe the alcohol would erase some of his troubled thoughts. Instead his heart was getting heavy again and his chest was starting to feel tight.  
  
“I'mma be right back...” He slurred. “Need to pee.”  
  
Mark tried his best to get to the toilets without falling on his face, which was harder than he imagined.   
He thought it was a miracle how his sober self didn't ever have to worry about stuff like that.  
He thought about how stupid it was to take a body and train it for years and years until it was able to do backflips out of the stand and spiral through the air, so that it looked like he was flying, just to completely fill it with alcohol now and reduce it to this stumbling, wobbly mess, that needed nearly three minutes to arrive at the other end of the small venue.  
Then he finally stood at the urinal and used his whole concentration to actually pee into it, instead of everywhere else. His sober self wouldn't have called the outcome a success, but his drunk self was very satisfied with the amount of pee that went where he wanted it to.  
For a moment he was completely overwhelmed, when his phone vibrated in his pants.   
First he wanted to reach for it, but then he decided that it would be a better idea to end his business at the urinal, before doing so.

His heart started racing again, when he finally read the messages he had gotten.  
There were two.  
Both from Jackson.  
He read the second one first.  
  
 _> are you okay? You didn't answer...<  
_  
Mark's view got blurry again, while it took him three tries to open the first message.  
  
 _> Here's the address of your lover boy,_  
 _promise to do nothing too creepy!!! <  
_and the written out address of Im Jaebum.  
  
Mark felt himself get excited. If that wasn't a success.  
He stumbled out of the toilets and back into the main hall, where a massive wave of loud music and heat hit him. When he was heading back to his friends, he couldn't help but let his eyes search the room for Jaebum as well. He found him quickly and his friend's attempts of shielding his sight wasn't keeping him away from it.  
  
The dark haired boy was currently exchanging body heat with a very pretty, tall girl, who was leaning into him, like she wasn't able to stand on her own and he was definitely taking advantage of that. He had his hands placed at her hips, holding her in place, while he was kissing the drunk girl passionately. It looked more like he wanted to eat her alive, but she probably didn't notice at all.  
Mark's body was like it was frozen, but not in a cold way.  
It was frozen in the most heated way he'd ever experienced. Heat was streaming through his veins and through every part of his body, getting stuck in his head, but he couldn't move at all.  
His arms felt tingly from all of the anger inside him and he clenched his teeth.  
That bastard.  
  
_I'm gonna kill him,_  he thought, before his feet finally started moving, like they decided themselves to do so.  
He was rushing in Jaebum's direction hastily, his hands balled to fists, ready to throw as many punches as they were able to. His eyes were fixed on his victim, so he didn't see his friends coming, who placed themselves between him and Jaebum once again.  
  
“Don't...” Mark hissed, “he fucking deserves it and you know it!”  
  
“Yah...” Bambam shoved him back carefully “he does. But you wouldn't do this if you were sober, Hyung...”  
  
He saw Yugyeom nodding. All of them had trouble standing still, all of them shit-ass drunk.  
  
“This isn't you, Mark hyung...he isn't worth it...” Yugyeom tried to calm him down. And Mark just grunted, but he already felt his anger lessen a bit.  
  
“Can you fuckin' believe this?” he slurred, while forcibly loosening his fists and the others joined in on the rail against Jaebum. Mark felt himself getting calmer again. It felt good to let out his anger otherwise.  
He wasn't a big fan of fights anyway, if he thought about it, he never really was in one.  
  
“Just... why is Jinyoungie still with him?” Yugyeom wondered. That's when Mark remembered.  
  
“Yah... Jackson sent me his address....” he showed them his phone, which they looked at in confusion, before Mark decided,“I'm gonna get him back...”  
  
“Wait... what?” yugyeom just said. “You mean like... now?”  
  
“'course now... Jaebum's here” Mark had an evil smile on his face, when he looked over to the guy again “and 's not leaving any time soon...'s perfect.”  
  
“Hyung... hyuuuung, listen to me,” Bambam slowly said “you're drunk.”  
  
“So what? I'm not lettin' this chance go!”  
  
“You can barely talk,” Yugyeom protested.  
  
“I never talk anyway...” Mark joked and started walking into the direction of the exit “don't try to stop me now...” he mumbled.  
The other boys followed him to the door and they looked at him unsure, but apparently too drunk to insist on him staying. Or maybe they supported his plan in secret.  
  
“Be careful!” Bambam said, “Don't hurt yourself and take a taxi!”  
  
“What else 'm I supposed to take? My car?” Mark rolled his eyes “'m older than both of you!” he said strictly. “I'm your hyuuuug.” At least he tried to.  
It didn't quite impress them, if their hysteric laughter was anything to go by.  
  
“Text us when you're there! Or home... Just text us!” They told him and he was just about to leave, when he remembered something and went a few steps back, leaned in to them and ordered,  
  
“Keep an eye on that girl...if he tries more than kissing her, just...punch him or whatever..”

 

Mark somehow made his way to the next taxi stand and called for one.  
The fresh air sobered him up a tiny little bit, but not quite enough. He still needed three tries to get into the car, when it stood before him.  
He didn't even try to explain where he wanted to go, he just showed the man the address on his phone.  
That one seemed amused at his drunken state.  
Tired, but still amused.  
The car ride made Mark aware of the situation in his stomach. He should have drank some water before leaving. His mouth was dry and everything was turning around him. He tried closing his eyes, but it made his dizziness only worse.  
“Ugh.”  
Not another curve.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Mark heard himself ask. He was trying to distract his body from the upcoming sickness.  
  
The driver chuckled. “Sure.”  
  
“How d'you win someone back that ran away from you?”  
  
“Mhh...” the man hummed, as if he knew exactly what Mark was talking about. Mark wasn't even sure himself.  
What was he talking about?  
Why was he talking to a stranger?  
He wasn't like that usually.  
But then again...Jinyoung made him do things, say things he never knew he was capable of.  
Jinyoung and all of the alcohol in his body.  
  
“Is this about a girl?” he heard the man ask.  
  
“I guess...” Mark answered.  
  
“And you like her?” he asked further.  
  
“I guess...”  
  
“Then you need to make sure she knows that...”  
  
“He does...she.. she knows...” Mark corrected himself. “It's the reason she ran away.”  
  
The man seemed to think about it for a moment.  
  
“Then maybe she needs time.”  
Mark just hummed.  
They stayed silent for the rest of the ride.

“Good luck, boy!” the man said, while Mark got out of the car awkwardly.  
  
“Thank you,” he smiled.

  
He looked at the address on his phone and up to the big row house he was standing in front of. The neighbourhood was dull and empty. It was late and Mark couldn't see a single person on the streets.  
He compared the house number with the one in Jackson's message and it seemed to be right.  
Mark breathed in deeply.  
He was getting nervous.  
Jinyoung was in there, right?  
He had to be.  
  
When he walked closer, his heart was beating fast in his chest. The doorbell looked shabby and dirty, some of the names nearly unreadable.  
Mark took all of his courage and tried to keep his eye sight clear and stop it from blurring everything in front of him, as he rang the bell.  
Nothing.  
He rang again. A few times.  
But nobody answered. Mark just stood there, not sure how to feel.  
He had to be there.  
Where else could he be?

But Mark didn't want to give up just yet. This was his chance and he felt like he couldn't let this be just yet.  
So he rang the bell of the neighbours and finally the voice of a middle aged women answered the inter phone.  
  
“Yes, hi, um... I'm a friend of Im Jaebum. Can you let me in?”  
  
“...Sure,” the woman said warily.  
She didn't sound like she wanted to, but she was trying to be polite.  
Mark tried his best to walk up the stairs without stumbling, even though it was hard. The woman had already closed her door when he arrived in the second floor though.  
Mark waited a moment.  
  
When, he inspected the door of what had to be Jaebum's flat, he could see that the lights were on trough the cracks of the door.  
I knew it.  
He wasn't sure what to do next, so he tried knocking at the door. A few times. Nobody answered. He even called Jinyoung's name bravely, in hopes that that one was just ignoring him.  
When that didn't happen he started to worry again.  
Of course it could just be them letting the lights on before leaving... but who does that?  
No, that wasn't it.  
He knew Jinyoung was there.  
He knew.

So he did something he'd never thought he ever would.  
He took a little bit of wire that he carried on his set of keys and after he made sure the neighbours doors didn't have a spyhole, he started unlocking the door with careful finger movements, letting one end of the wire slide into the lock and using all of his drunk concentration to remember the order of movements. He had the wire bent so he could hold down the inner lock with one end and reach the right spots with the other.  
He had learned that once.  
Just in case. You never know when stuff like this could come in handy, not that he had criminal fantasies. But right now it saved his life and made his heart race in his chest at the same time. He was proud of his hands for doing what his brain told them to.  
  
Mark could just hope that Jaebum's neighbour didn't randomly decide to check on him or something.  
But luckily she didn't and after a few tries and lots of patience and trust, he wouldn't have had soberly, he heard the door click.  
So Mark opened it quietly.  
He stepped in.  
Then he closed it just as silently behind himself.

Mark found himself standing in a small corridor, the lights on, like he'd seen before and a few shoes laying around. He stood still for a moment, listening if anyone noticed him coming in. But his own heavy breathing was the only thing he could hear.  
He looked into the kitchen first. It was dirty and looked unkind. Dirty dishes laying around everywhere.  
He automatically went to the bedroom at the end of the hallway and when he was getting close he could already tell someone was in it.  
Not someone.  
But Jinyoung.  
He could hear his unsteady breathing and he took a deep breath himself, before he pushed the door open and took a step into the darkened room.  
  
“Jinyoung,” he breathed out.


	8. E I G H T

It was a sight that he hadn't been prepared for. That he could never have been prepared for.  
Jinyoung's naked body was laying on one side of the double bed and only a thin linen was covering his legs and half of his butt. Laying on his stomach, his bronze coloured skin was completely exposed. Only a slim streak of light, coming through the closed curtains, was falling onto his back.  
Mark looked away instinctively.  
It wasn't that he'd never seen his best friend naked. They've lived together quite a while and accidents happened. And even though Jinyoung wasn't shy about his body, he would never show himself to his best friend like that.  
This was different.  
Not only was he sleeping.  
Mark should not be here either, he literally broke in.  
It felt so wrong on so many levels.  
So he faced the open door instead and tried to calm his racing heart down. Not like that could ever erase the view that had just burned itself into his brain.  
'He's so beautiful' was all he could think.

“Jinyoung!?” He repeated a bit louder this time, hoping for his friend to wake up by the sound.  
  
That one didn't make any noise of reaction.  
  
“Jinyoung!” Mark then called out, so loud, that he just had to wake up by it.  
But he didn't.  
Instead a gagging noise came out of his throat and Mark turned around in shock.  
  
“Jinyoung... what's wrong?” he took a few steps in his friend's direction, to see him coughing slightly.  
  
“Jin... are you sleeping?” he asked.  
Mark was scared shitless by now.  
Why didn't he wake up?  
  
He threw his shame and doubts over board and the worry took over. As fast as his intoxicated body allowed, he rushed to Jinyoung's side and knelt down beside the bed.  
Mark looked at his soft but uneasy face. Dark circles under his eyes, stubbles on his jaw and chin. His eyes were flinching, like he was having a bad dream.  
  
“Jinyoung...” he called out again, putting his hands on his naked shoulders, not caring about it any more, being way to concerned about his best friend's well being.  
  
“Wake up, Jinyoung!”  
He started shaking him carefully and was relieved when that one finally made a noise. It was a disgruntled one.  
  
“Thank god, you're not passed out...” Mark breathed out.  
  
“....Jaebum?” Jinyoung slurred quietly and Mark felt a sharp sting in his chest.  
  
“No...Jin...it's me, Mark...” he explained. “I was so worried...”  
  
“Mark...?” Jinyoung whispered.  
  
“Yeah...” Mark found it easier to speak clearly by now, the shock had him sobered up a bit more.   
“What happened, Jinyoung?” he spoke and was surprised at how soft his voice sounded.  
  
Jinyoung blinked a few times, before finally looking at Mark.  
He seemed to try to recall what had happened. It took him a moment, before he did.  
  
“He got us drunk... and we fucked...” Jinyoung stuttered, with his eyes still fluttering half open “...and...then he left...” he ended his sentence.  
He wasn't quite aware of the words he was saying.  
Drunk?

Mark's muscled tensed, while he tried to understand his quiet words. The pain in Mark's chest felt like someone had grabbed right into him and crushed his vital organs with bare hands.  
  
“That bastard...” he brought out, more a growl than words.  
That sound made Jinyoung open his eyes completely, while he slowly seemed to understand how his words sounded.  
He just shook his head weakly.  
  
“No....it wasn't like that...it was consensual...” he explained, while trying to sit up. He squinched his eyes shut, an expression of pain on his face.  
Mark screwed up his face.   
He should have punched Jaebum, when he had the chance.  
  
“Sure...” Mark growled and his eyes hastily tried to find something else to look but Jinyoung's naked body, when that one started to sit up.  
Jinyoung seemed to only notice in that moment, that he had no clothes on and without a word he pulled the linen up to cover his lower body and looked at Mark shameful.  
  
“'m sorry...” Jinyoung whispered, “'m sorry you had t see me like this.” His words were so unclear that it took Mark a moment to get what they meant.  
  
“It's okay... don't worry about it. I'm getting you 'outta here,” Mark stated and that was the moment Jinyoung broke down beside him. He started crying quietly and leaned on Mark's shoulder.

Mark wrapped one arm around him and pulled him in a tight, warm hug. He could smell the alcohol all over the younger one.  
Not only in his breath, but also in his hair and in his sweat.  
He assumed that the younger one hadn't showered in a while as well, but Mark just pulled him closer.  
Then he also smelled another scent.  
  
“Is that weed?” he whispered, “Are you high, Jinyoung?” He blurted out surprised, pushing the boy away from himself enough to look into his eyes. That one could barely hold them open.  
  
“Not any more.... I think,” Jinyoung admitted, tears in his eyes.  
He looked so fragile and so lost. Like he wasn't even sure where he was right now.  
  
“Did you take anything else?” Mark wanted to know. His chest felt so tight, it was hard to get out any sound.  
  
“...don't think so,” Jinyoung slurred.  
Mark took a deep breath.  
  
“Can you put on clothes?” he asked softly.  
  
“Mhh-mhh.”  
  
While Mark turned his face away again, Jinyoung started moving on the bed. Mark was so worried about him, that it was hard not to accompany him.  
What if he fell?  
But after a few moments, Jinyoung was finished and Mark turned around.  
  
He was wearing a sweater that was obviously not his own, as it was a bit too big on him and a pair of jeans that Mark had seen on him a few times, but never this dirty and filthy.  
There was a white stain on the sweater that Mark didn't want to think about further, but he knew.  
He was disgusted.  
Not at Jinyoung... never at Jinyoung.  
But how could someone as beautiful as him love such a bastard?  
He was disgusted.

“Let's go...” He just huffed.  
Mark went over to Jinyoung and laid an arm around his waist to help him balance himself. It didn't quite help that he was still suffering the effects of his own night out.  
  
They ended up tottering out of the door and down the stairs of the staircase, nearly falling down a few times and when they arrived in the fresh air, he helped Jinyoung sit down on a rock, before he called the taxi stand again, the number still in his phone.  
  
The car arrived quickly and Mark was thankful. He wanted to disappear from this house as fast as possible. The last thing he needed right now was running into Im Jaebum.  
But they got into the car and as soon as they sat down, Jinyoung leaned into Mark again, resting his head on his shoulder.  
Mark felt a familiar warmth spread in his chest. The relief he felt, having him by his side again, it made him forget about all the things he went through in the last two weeks.  
Trying to make minimal movement, so he wouldn't startle Jinyoung, he got his phone out of his pocket, typing a short message to his friends.  
  
 _> I got him. we're on our way home now< _   
  
Mark was staring out of the window and into the night. The streets were dark and empty, barely people around. His vision got blurry now and then and he didn't bother to try and see clearly again.  
He was too tired.

It took him by surprise, when a cold and confused hand searched for his. He turned his head a bit, but Jinyoung wasn't looking up. He was still leaning against his shoulder, eyes closed.  
Mark noticed that Jinyoung's hand was shaking, so he squeezed it a bit to calm him down.  
  
“You're pretty drunk, huh?” he whispered.  
  
“Mh mh...” Jinyoung hummed weakly.  
His thumb started stroking Mark's hand slightly and Mark felt a familiar, tingly feeling in his stomach. His heart was beating faster than necessary. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking the feeling in completely.  
  
“Hyung...” Jinyoung whispered.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Thanks for taking me home...”  
  
Mark looked at him with both fond and pain in his eyes.  
He squeezed his hand again as an answer.

Mark could've driven through the night like this forever, sitting in the back seat of the car with Jinyoung beside him, taking care of him and warming his cold hands up. But it only took them about twenty minutes to arrive at their destination.

  
  
When they reached their street, Mark paid the driver, while Jinyoung waited for him patiently on the side walk.  
Mark wrapped his arm around his friend's waist again, walking them down the street to their home.  
  
When they arrived and finally closed the door of their flat behind them, Mark sat Jinyoung down on the couch and brought two glasses and a bottle of water as well as some slices of bread into the living room.  
  
“Drink this.” He gave Jinyoung a glass of water and took his own.

They sat there in silence for a while, focused on eating the bread and drinking the water.  
It felt so good to have something to drink apart from alcohol. He had been thirsty since he left The Flux.  
Mark stared at his friend, who could barely keep his eyes open, but seemed to sober up a tiny bit.  
  
“Feeling better?” he smiled tiredly and Jinyoung nodded.  
  
“Thanks,” he whispered.  
  
“Sure...” Mark said softly, but Jinyoung shook his head.  
  
“No... I mean, thanks for getting me out of there,” he explained.  
  
Mark didn't know what to say. He just stared at the bottle of water on the small table in front of them.  
Silence.  
Then he stared at his friend again.  
  
“Jinyoung?”  
  
“Yes?”  
Mark's throat felt dry, even though he'd just drank about three glasses of water. His nerves were killing him.  
  
“Why are you always like that?” the words didn't come out like he planned them to.  
Not at all.  
  
“Like what?” Jinyoung looked at him with tired and confused eyes.  
  
“Self destructive...” Mark explained, “Why did you go back to him...?”  
Jinyoung sighed loudly. Then he sat up straight, arching his back a bit.  
  
“Y'know... it doesn't look like it... but he loves me.” Jinyoung smiled sadly.  
Mark spaced out for a moment, thinking about the words.  
  
“If that was true, he wouldn't treat you like that,” Mark finally replied. “He wouldn't do all of that to you...leaving you behind in his bed like that.” He clenched his teeth again.  
He was getting furious, just thinking about it.  
  
“Don't...” Jinyoung sighed.  
  
“Why not? Why do you keep defending him, when all he does is hurt you?” Mark huffed in frustration.  
“He left you ass naked, stoned and nearly passed out in his bed and went partying on his own!” Mark exclaimed and he was so hung up in his anger and frustration that he didn't notice the surprise on Jinyoung's face.  
When he looked at him the next time, he saw him smiling down at his own hands, a tear rolling out of his

  
“Partying...” he breathed out and Mark could've slapped himself, when he understood.  
Jinyoung had no idea.

  
“He told me he was working night shift.” he whispered.

  
Mark's chest felt so heavy.

  
“Jin...” Mark pulled him closer to himself and wrapped his arms around him. “I'm sorry... I didn't want to...”

  
“'s all right.” Jinyoung mumbled against his shoulder. “Just... let's not talk about it...I'm tired.”

  
“Okay.”

They sat there for a few more minutes, before Mark helped Jinyoung go into his room. He fell asleep the moment he lay down and Mark covered him up and went into his own room.

  
He too fell asleep right away.


	9. N I N E

The next day started late for all of them.  
When Mark stood up, only Bambam was awake. He joined him at the kitchen table and looked into curious eyes.

  
“Give me a moment, Bam...” he begged. He knew exactly what the younger one wanted and he couldn't blame him for being   
After he prepared himself a lazy excuse for a breakfast and made the strongest coffee known to human race, he sat down again.

  
“So?” the other one started again.

  
“So...” Mark sighed, “I got Jinyoungie home, but you probably figured...”

  
“Yeah...but tell me what happened,” Bambam said excitedly.  
Mark tried to tell everything like it happened, leaving out minor details like the awkward talk with the taxi driver or the fact that he found Jinyoung completely naked and nearly passed out.

  
But Bambam was way more interested in another minor detail.

  
“YOU BROKE IN?” he exhaled in shock.

  
“I guess, yeah...” Mark admitted, while scratching his neck lazily.

  
“Holy shit... “ Bambam brought out, then a proud grin formed on his face. “You're cooler than I thought, Hyung!”  
Mark only rolled his eyes.

That's when Yugyeom joined them in the kitchen, looking exactly how Mark was feeling.  
Hung over, tired and like life was pretty hard in general.  
Mark just sat there, while Bambam told the whole story again to Yugyeom.  
He had finished breakfast by the time they were done gossiping.

  
“How did you know how to unlock a door?” Yugyeom looked shocked and impressed at the same time.

  
“I learned it on the internet...” Mark sighed.

  
“You can be really creepy, you know that, right?” Yugyeom shook his head in disbelief.

  
“I've been told so, yeah...” Mark shrugged his shoulders.

  
“So...” Yugyeom started carefully, “how's Jinyoungie?”

  
“Don't know...” Mark told him. “I'm gonna check on him...”

 

He stood in front of his door, feeling unusually nervous. He didn't know what it was, but he felt like a lot had changed between them the night before.  
Mark knocked and heard Jinyoung's voice immediately.

  
“Come in!"  
  
Mark opened the door and was relieved at the sight that showed itself to him. Jinyoung was awake and had already changed his clothes. He was not wearing that oversized dirty sweater from Jaebum any more, but instead a nice clean one of his own, that Mark already knew.  
He couldn't help but smile at the sight.  
  
“You're alive again?” He asked and Jinyoung nodded.  
  
“I'm not feeling as bad as you would expect. Though I did take two aspirins already.”  
Mark sat down on his bed, while watching his friend open the window.  
  
“We should probably talk about your drug consume,” Mark said, half jokingly, half concerned.  
  
“Let's not...” Jinyoung sighed.  
  
“Okay, but I really want to know...since when are you smoking weed?” he wondered aloud.  
  
“I'm not... I mean... only with Jaebum...” he said quietly and Mark stood up.  
  
“Of course... I should've known,” he shook his head, then changed the topic “...so how about breakfast?”  
  
“I could really use it right now.” Jinyoung smiled.  
  


They spent the day like they always had.  
It felt good to have Jinyoung back in their flat and the mood had changed drastically.  
It just finally felt like home again. It hadn't been the same without him, not only for Mark, but for all of them. Only when he was back did Mark see how much it had affected all of them. It was like a dark curtain had been laying on the apartment and now it was finally lifted again and they could go on like they normally would.  
  
But there was still insecurity in the air.  
On their first day together after all that drama, they already started tiptoeing around issues again.  
Everyone tried to avoid the topic of Jb and that it probably had a reason, that Jinyoung left in the first place. But all of them were too afraid to ruin this nice feeling of being together again.  
But Mark knew this wouldn't work.  
It never did, did it?  
He had to talk to Jinyoung.  
For real.  
And he knew how much it would probably hurt to hear whatever he had to say and he had no idea if he could finally be honest himself, because communication is great and all- but it also had the power to change everything.  
And wasn't that the thing they were afraid of more than anything?  
For things to change.  
But things had already changed.  
A lot.  
Mark knew that, but he just didn't know how to take this into his own hands.  
  


The first week they spent just like that, ignoring the issues, pretending to be fine again.  
Mark wasn't the only one who knew it wasn't quite honest.  
He could feel that the others were thinking about it, too.  
Now and then he sat there, watching his friends talking playfully and his mind screamed _'There's a huge fucking elephant in the room! Are you really going to pretend it's not there?_ '.  
But he wasn't much better. After all he still hadn't found the courage to talk to Jinyoung, so he wasn't really in the place to judge.  
  


This being the number one topic in his head, it didn't surprise him, when Jinyoung knocked on his door on a Wednesday evening.  
He knew the time had come, even though his friend didn't say it out loud.  
Mark felt that he was here to talk.

“Can I come in?” Jinyoung asked, while he shyly put his head through the slightly opened door.  
  
“Sure...” Mark sat up.  
  
Jinyoung lingered a little longer by the door, as if he was contemplating his escape route, but then he sighed and came closer.  
  
“Do you wanna go to the roof or something? I could really use some fresh air,” Jinyoung suggested.  
  
Mark had to swallow down his nerves. His heart was already pounding hard against his chest.  
Why did this feel so heavy?  
Like a heavy weight lay on both of them and either it was about to get lifted any moment or it was about to crush them completely.  
They had spent many evenings on the roof together. With and without the other boys. Practising new dance moves or just sitting on the old little bench.  
But this was going to be different. There was no lightness or easiness this time.  
Mark would've lied if he said he was ready.  
He would never be ready.  
But he took all of his courage and agreed.

They went onto the roof silently, both lost in their own thoughts.  
The way felt longer than any other time before and Mark felt like his feet would give up their service any moment.  
When they went through the door, a cold, fresh wall of air hit them. It was a windy day, warm, but windy.  
It was already dark outside.  
Mark sighed when he saw the familiar view of their neighbourhood, scattered lights from all the surrounding streets and houses. This was the reason he loved this apartment so much. This and the boys he was living there with.  
Mark looked at Jinyoung and found him looking at the view as well. He wondered if similar thoughts went through his friend's head.  
Jinyoung took the last few steps to the rail, that was surrounding the huge platform of the roof. He lazily leant on it. But Mark could see his hands shaking.  
He joined him.  
  
“It's 'gonna be autumn soon...” he heard himself say.  
Real clever, Mark, he thought to himself.  
His nerves made him talk without really thinking.  
  
“Yeah...” Jinyoung just nodded.  
  
“I moved in here in autumn...do you remember?” Mark continued talking.  
  
“Of course I do.” Jinyoung smiled tiredly.  
It was weird to lead the conversation. Not exactly what Mark was used to, but for some reason Jinyoung didn't try to help him out.  
  
“Quite a lot changed, huh?” Mark said quietly. You could hear the nervousness in his voice.  
  
“You think so?” Jinyoung wondered. “I think some things haven't changed at all...”  
He sounded sad and Mark didn't know what to say. He wasn't good at this pretending game.  
So he finally asked with a shaky voice.  
  
“Why did you run away, Jinyoung?”  
  
He leant on the railing for support and put his hand around one of the poles to keep it from shaking.  
Jinyoung stayed silent for a while.  
It nearly drove Mark crazy.  
Say something. He thought.  
Anything.

“You really don't know, Hyung...?” Jinyoung slowly turned around to look at Mark, as if he was trying to find the solution to a really tricky maths problem.  
He sighed and it sounded so frustrated.  
  
“I mean... I have a theory, but it's stupid... Just tell me, Jin!” Mark said.  
He couldn't take this tense mood any longer.  
And the damn city was way too silent. As if the whole world was listening and waiting.  
  
“It's so obvious...and you still don't get it, huh?!” Jinyoung sighed. “I ran away because I like you.”  
He looked down onto his own hands and shut his eyes close.  
What?  
Mark's head needed a few moments to process what his friend just said.  
He didn't understand.  
  
“You mean...like...more than friends?” Mark stuttered and watched a pained expression form on Jinyoung's face.  
  
“Yes...more than friends...” he whispered and Mark's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't grasp what was happening.  
Out of all the things he'd imagined to happen up here, this hadn't really been an option. Of course he had spent a lot of time imagining scenarios like this, but he never dared to believe in it.   
Never dared to get his hopes up, because why would someone like Jinyoung like him?

His heart was jumping around in joy and excitement, but his mind was still holding onto the confusion.  
  
“But... since when?” Mark asked confused. Everything felt like a blur.  
Jinyoung smiled sadly and swallowed hardly,as if to get rid of something stuck in his throat.  
  
“For years, Mark... I don't get how you didn't notice,” he admitted and laughed out a bit.  
  
Years.  
  
How was that possible?  
Was this reality?  
They were silent for another while, Mark's brain was busy trying to comprehend all the new information.  
It was weird.  
And so confusing.  
  
Then he finally understood. There was no reason to be so afraid. There was no reason to be ashamed or to hide his feelings, because Jinyoung felt the same.  
He actually felt the same, as unbelievable as that was.  
  
“Jinyoung...” Mark sighed out softly, the relieve finally taking over his body, as he slowly took one of his hands off the cold rail and took Jinyoung's instead.  
That one looked up in surprise. Mark had never seen him this insecure.  
  
Shy.  
Vulnerable.  
Confused.  
All of that.  
Maybe even a bit ashamed.  
He'd seen him lying in another man's bed, intoxicated and completely naked but Jinyoung had still not looked as vulnerable as he did in that very moment.  
  
“Never run away like that again...” Mark said, “you nearly drove me crazy.”   
His voice calmer than before. Steadier.  
  
Then he carefully moved closer and leaned down to Jinyoung, who was still leaning on the railing with his weight on one arm and he looked him in the eyes, searching for permission to get closer.  
Jinyoung closed his eyes and that was all Mark needed, as he slowly brought their lips together.  
The kiss was insecure and careful, but a lot warmer than their first one.  
Mark's heart was racing, it felt like it would burst from emotion at any moment.  
He felt shivers going down his spine, maybe from the cold late august air, but probably more from the warm, soft lips that were touching his own.

Mark could feel Jinyoung's breath on his skin and it was warm and comforting and he managed to relax a little bit. He felt Jinyoung's hand in his own, holding him shyly, as if he was afraid to go too far.  
Their movements were unsure, but full of warmth and care.  
  
As if they were aware that they were leaving the safe haven of friendship to dive into something new.  
  
But that wasn't quite right. They were not leaving their friendship behind.  
They simply added a few new layers to it.  
When they pulled away for the first time, they looked into each others eyes for a moment and Jinyoung looked so confused.  
Happy and slightly blushing, but so confused.  
Mark had to chuckle at the sight.  
  
“Does this mean Jaebum was right after all?” Jinyoung asked without thinking and Mark sighed.  
  
“Do you really have to bring him up right now?” he looked at his best friend in disbelief.  
  
“Sorry...”  
  
“Yeah, he was right...but... what about you? I still don't get why you were with him...” Mark said reproachfully.  
  
“Are you really that slow, Hyung?” Jinyoung countered. “You never showed any interest in me at all... I was fucking heartbroken,” he admitted, turning his face away, to make his confession sound less hurting and more reproachful.  
  
“Jaebum wasn't a good boyfriend, but at least he always wanted me.” he grumbled.  
Their hands were still intertwined with each other.  
  
“Well, I wanted you, too.” Mark stated calmly.  
He didn't know where his insecurity went. Probably right off the roof. There was no way to describe how relieved he was. He felt like he had to thank the universe for this moment.  
  
“And I have exactly one advantage he doesn't...” he added quietly, squeezing Jinyoung's hand a bit.  
  
“And that would be...?” Jinyoung asked.  
  
“I actually love you,” Mark confessed, before pulling Jinyoung a little bit closer to kiss him again.


	10. T E N

**A few weeks later**

Mark sat on the couch in their shared flat and even though he knew it was his turn to clean the kitchen, he couldn't be bothered to stand up. He just ignored the dirty dishes, that were laying around, not only in the kitchen, but in the whole flat. Instead he watched some shitty late night TV and enjoyed that the boys weren't home for a change.  
He yawned, while opening and closing apps on his phone, without really knowing what he was searching for, when suddenly the doorbell rang.  
Mark should have been expecting it, but he still startled,when the loud noise pulled him out of his sleepy thoughts.  
He slurped to the door in his slippers and sweatpants and hurried to open it.

“Food is here!” Jinyoung grinned, with a huge carton in his hands.  
  
“Thank god, I'm starving...” Mark answered and took the carton, to steal a look into it.  
Warm steam was attacking him and the slightly spicy smell that came out of it made his mouth water.  
He went into the kitchen to take out the different kinds of noodles and chicken that looked absolutely delicious. The amount of food was ridiculous and probably more than two people could manage to eat, but he was so hungry that he didn't care.  
He rushed to take everything out and place it on a tablet, so it would at least look a little bit more home made. When he came back into the living room, Jinyoung was already sitting on the couch, expectantly.  
  
“What are you watching?” he wanted to know, nodding to the Tv. Mark definitely heard some judgement in his voice.  
  
“..don't know...” he mumbled “wasn't really paying attention.”

He set up everything and then finally let himself fall onto the couch again.  
They had basically spent the whole day on this couch and Jinyoung only agreed to go and get food, after Mark had promised to pay. None of them would have wanted to prepare a meal.  
They started eating and it was delicious, so there was not much time to talk. Mark thought about how the younger boys would look when they saw them eating this deliciously.  
They often begged him to get fast food for them, but he always told them that they should learn how to cook instead. So he grinned to himself, while slurping his noodles and he was sure that Jinyoung knew what he was thinking, because that one grinned back at him, before taking a huge bite off his fried chicken.  
They ate quietly for a while, the only sounds were the slurping and munching of their mouths and the talking that came from the TV.  
  
Mark took his view from the screen and was a bit surprised, when Jinyoung finished his food before him.  
  
“I was really hungry...” Jinyoung defended himself and snuggled up against Mark's shoulder, while that one was still trying to eat the last bit of chicken. Not that there was any more room left in his stomach.  
It was already pretty could outside, so they were cuddled up in a huge wool blanket and thick socks, to keep their feet warm.

Mark liked autumn, it was such a nostalgic time of the year. He had heard people say that autumn was the season of goodbyes and endings. The leaves fell down and everything that was green turned to brown. You could say that many things found their end in autumn, but not for Mark.  
In his experience, this was the time of the year when things started. Warm things and bright things and maybe some other things ended, but that wasn't important, when so much more had just begun.

“Hey...” Jinyoung pinched him a bit into his side. “What are you thinking about?”  
  
“Not much,” Mark answered. He had finished eating and laid the empty carton boxes on the table.  
  
“I was just thinking...” Jinyoung carried on, “remember when you said that thing about me having a low self esteem?”  
Mark looked at him in surprise and nodded.  
They'd talked about it a while ago.  
  
“I think you're right about that...” Jinyoung admitted. “It's still weird for me that you want to be with me... y'know...”  
  
Mark just looked at him. He already knew that he felt like this, but he wondered why he suddenly wanted to talk about it.  
He held Jinyoung's hand in his and looked down at it, while he thought about his words.  
Before he could answer, Jinyoung added “I still feel like I don't deserve this...” he waved his hands around the kitchen table, where all the empty paper boxes and chopsticks were lying.  
That's when Mark finally shook his head.  
  
“C'mere,” he said, while pulling Jinyoung closer to himself and wrapping his arms around him. “We're gonna work on this, okay...?” he said fondly, while twisting a strand of Jinyoung's hair between his fingers.  
“I don't know how bad Jaebum or other idiots treated you and I don't want to imagine, but I'll do better.”

Jinyoung looked at him with big eyes for a moment. A little bit unsure, but trusting eyes.  
  
“I know,” he then smiled and Mark felt his heart jump, when he saw all the little wrinkles by his eyes and before he could say anything, Jinyoung escaped out of his arms and closed the distance between their heads, to flood Mark's face with little pecks and kisses. Mark looked at him overwhelmed and a bit flustered. He hadn't expected an attack like that.  
Jinyoung had to laugh at the sight.  
It took Mark a moment, before he had gathered his senses back and then with new found confidence, he placed his hands on Jinyoung's waist and pulled him onto his lap, Jinyoung following his movements happily.  
When he was finally sitting on Mark's lap comfortably, still facing him, they started kissing again.  
Mark felt Jinyoung's warm hands cupping his face and he had his arms wrapped around his waist.  
The sound of the TV was just a background noise that somehow went well with the sound of their tongues playing around in their mouths and the little sounds they made when they had to catch their breath.

It had been a few weeks and they were going slowly, handling each other like maybe they were made of porcelain, but their movements got more confident, more experimenting, more mindless at times and Mark still couldn't believe that he was allowed to do all these little things with his best friend. Sometimes he wanted more, but he would never risk going too far or too fast. He would keep his promise to treat Jinyoung the best way possible and while that one was sitting on top of him, kissing him excitedly, Mark couldn't help but smile into the kiss.

After all, Mark had so many kisses saved for this boy and they had all the time in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes.  
> This is the end of this story for now... I hope you enjoyed it and it would be super nice if you let me know!!  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> It would mean the word to me and help me a lot, if you gave me a few words of feedback. :)


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